The World According To Emmz

168.

2012-01-16T21:16:00.002+11:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about growing up and moving forward. Naturally thinking about moving forward has made me think about my past and the people in it.

As we go through life, people will inevitably hurt us, and it can be hard to express how we really feel. I decided to write my feelings in a letter. This is a letter to the person that hurt me more than anyone else in my life..

Dear You,

I don't really know how to start this. It's hard to think of all the things that I want to say and how I want to say them without sounding like a crazy, bitter person.

Despite what anyone may think, I'm not at all bitter.

Everything that has happened in my life has got me to the point where I stand now.

But I can't move forward with my life anymore without telling you how I feel.

I think now, back to the past and everything that happened.

I tried to blame things on other people, I tried to make others feel like it was their fault.
But now I realise that it was all you.

At the time I don't think you realised the damage that you were doing to me.

There were so many times where you made me feel like I wasn't good enough.

All I remember when I look back is your voice in my ear, in my head. Every step of the way, telling me that I would never measure up.

I compared myself to other people in those days, and it felt like I would never be worth anyone's time. But that's what you told me, and that's what you made me believe.

It's difficult to think about all the things that I lost because of you.

The amazing people that I pushed out of my life, the opportunities that I let pass by, and all of those nights wasted crying in my room because of what you said to me.

You told me that I was fat, that I was useless, and that nobody would ever love me.

You told me that I was stupid, and that I'd never make anything of my self.

You told me that it was pointless trying, and so I gave up.

I don't like to have regrets. But I wish that I had been strong enough to push you away.

And I wish that I had been brave enough to stand up to you sooner.

I should have told you that what was happening was wrong.

After all, you are the one that knows me better than anyone else in this entire world.

You should have loved me, and held me up when I was crashing down.

You are the one that should have been taking the greatest care of me.

Because, you are me.

It's time to put all of this to rest, and to take a deep breath, smile, and embrace the world.

Let's do it together.

You and me and I.

Yours Sincerely,

Emma Jane.

167.

2011-09-12T20:03:00.002+10:00

Are you okay?
It's a very simple question, and one that we don't ask enough.
Too often we are so wrapped up in our own lives and our own problems, that we forget to ask the people around us so many tiny little things.
How was your day?
What has been going on?
Are you okay?

Sometimes people struggle with things that are bigger than what we can understand.
And a lot of people do it with a perpetual smile on their face. No fuss, no drama.
They just get on with life and a lot of the time we just assume that these people are always smiling, so they must have everything in place, they must be okay.
A lot of people keep their small problems to themselves, for any number of different reasons. They just deal with things on their own. For some people it's the only way that they know how to cope.

I don't know if any of you really know how utterly soul destroying it is, to go through life every day without anybody asking you how your day was, or to be spoken over every time that you try to talk, to be ignored or dismissed.
They seem like such small and petty things, but they make a person feel invisible, they make a person feel isolated, unimportant, and most of all alone.
It's really hard to go through life feeling like you're second best.
And that just because you don't scream, throw a tantrum, or make a fuss.
Nobody notices.

So many people suffer from depression.
The kind of depression that nobody notices, because people keep it so well hidden.
That's the kind of depression that is the most dangerous, it's the kind where people don't ask for help. Because, who would care? If someone can't even take the time to hear about how your day was, then why would they want to listen to you talk about how you feel?
It's much easier to keep it locked away inside, put on a brave face, and face the world.

After awhile, those small problems that you've kept to yourself seem to turn into huge problems, that seem to suffocate you. It seems impossible to cope, impossible to deal with. A lot of people turn to alternative ways to try and cope with the pain that they feel.
They harm themselves, they numb the pain, or at worst, they choose to commit suicide.
And the scariest part is that, they won't cause a scene, they won't draw attention to the fact that they want to die.
They will just do it. Quietly. Without a fuss.
Much like how their life was lived.

Some people manage to get through it. They find an inner strength, they find a way to go on despite the fact that they don't feel supported in areas of their life.
All that it takes is for somebody, one person to notice their pain, for one person to ask them if they are okay. Sometimes that's just enough.

Thursday, September 15th is 'R U OK day?'
This is a day for action, aimed at preventing suicide and encouraging Australians to connect with someone that they care about, to start a conversation. R U OK?
Feeling lonely, isolated or hopeless can contribute to depression, and ultimately to suicide.
It only takes one minute, to reach out to someone.
To ask 'Are you okay?'

I really urge everyone to participate in this day, to really try and connect with someone whether it is someone that you love, someone that you work with, or someone that you might just say hello to in passing.
Just by asking that single question.
You could be changing someone's life.

Are you okay?

www.ruokayday.com.au

165.

2011-08-14T17:13:00.001+10:00

When I really think about it, I can understand why jealousy is often known as the 'green-eyed monster'.
Some people seem to let themselves be totally and utterly consumed by jealousy, it steals their soul, and turns them into a person that they would never otherwise be.

One of the most frustrating situations to be in, is that of spending time with a jealous couple.
Hands down the most maddening thing ever.
I personally don't really understand jealousy in relationships. Maybe I've just been lucky that my relationship is amazing, and I've never really felt that jealous feeling.
I don't understand how people can be together, and then fight because their partner has spoken to someone else, or gets hit on by someone or any of those things.
The other thing I can't really understand is when people get cranky or jealous over an ex of their current partner.

If you're really in a stable and committed relationship, honestly jealousy shouldn't even come into it.
If both people in the relationship are giving everything to the relationship, then the other person shouldn't ever feel insecure or worried about their partner straying.
Isn't the point of being with someone that you trust them completely? Why would you be with them otherwise?
I don't buy this bullshit of - 'Oh I love him/her but I just don't totally trust them'
Wrong.
Because - how can you love without trust?

To me love is not a fleeting feeling. It is something that builds up over time, it needs to grow.
It's like a flower.
You have to plant the seed first. But a seed can't grow without time and care.
You have to nurture it, and give it attention, and care for it, so that eventually it will grow into something beautiful and amazing.

The other part that I seem to notice with relationship jealousy, is this constant worry about people's ex-boyfriends or girlfriends or even just ex-hookups or ex-whatevers.

Again to me, I don't really understand this concept.
I mean, just the term ex. Think about it. An ex is a FORMER lover/partner/girlfriend/boyfriend.
Former - as in, no longer.
They are no longer in the picture, so why would you worry about it?
Most break-ups happen for a reason. Most of the time there is a reason why that person is no longer in your partner's life.

At a certain stage in life, it's very likely that most people you meet will have an 'ex' something.
Everybody has a past. You can't change that.
So why would you let someone's past, fuck with your future?

The other kind of jealousy that I seem to notice a lot in my life, is the kind of jealousy that comes with wanting what somebody else has.
I call it the 'I wish' syndrome.
I wish I had her legs, I wish I had that car, I wish I was thinner, I wish I could sing like that.
You could really wish your life away thinking this way.
Why is it that we can't ever seem to be happy with what we have? I'm all for having goals and aiming high but there's a big difference between striving for something that you really want, and just sitting there expecting it to come to you, and hating the world when it doesn't.
If you want those legs, if you want that car. WORK for it.
You can't sit back and hate on everyone for the rest of your life because they have something you don't.

I'm not saying that I've never felt jealous. Of course I have. It's a natural human emotion.
I guess the real point I'm trying to make is that jealousy is something you need to keep tabs on.
Just like any 'monster' - you need to tame the wild beast to get it under control.

Don't let irrational thoughts or fears dictate your life.
Don't let it ruin your relationships.

Tame the green-eyed monster for good!

164.

2011-04-18T20:03:00.003+10:00

Sometimes it's really hard to be the one who is always nice.

To be the girl that doesn't really speak up, and just seemingly takes everything in her stride.

I don't like the fact that a lot of people treat me like I'm a child, and like I don't have any idea about the world, or about life because of who I am.

Sometimes it seems like everyone elses dramas are more important than mine, and if I try to talk about what's important to me, well it's never as important as somebody elses stuff.

Sometimes in this world, I just feel so small.

I hurt just as much as you hurt, I may not yell and scream about it, but I still feel.

Please don't talk down to me, because at the end of the day you're no better than I am.

Sometimes all a person needs is for somebody to listen.

163.

2011-04-04T19:15:00.004+10:00

Sometimes when you have all but given up hope, someone comes along and makes your life better, simply by being in it.

To smile, and to just be.
Every single day.

It's the tiny things, that mean everything.
And you're worth diamonds to me. :)

162.

2011-01-27T17:59:00.002+11:00

I'm always amazed by the attitudes of other people. Especially when they differ to my own attitude. Now I'm not saying that everyone should think the same way, because that would be boring. But sometimes, I look at the attitudes of others and it makes me a little bit sad.

In recent times, Queensland and Victoria have been crippled with flooding, and a lot of people have lost absolutely everything. It was one of the worst natural disasters that Australia has ever seen.
I think that different people deal with a crisis situation in different ways. One thing that never ceases to amaze me is that people can have the attitude of wanting to pretend that bad things never happen, or won't happen, or aren't going on.
I think that it's so easy for us to switch off to things like that, when they don't affect us. It's so easy to think, oh it's not happening to me so why should I bother?
We slip into an attitude of being 'sick' of hearing about it, or wanting to ignore it.
It really makes me sad.

The government announced today that they are planning to introduce a one-off levy to annual income to help fund flood recovery in both Queensland and Victoria.
I was reading about this on one of the news websites, and some of the people's comments on the article were just absolutely appaling.

To start with, people who earn less than $50,000 a year won't even pay any levy.
For someone around my level of income it's only going to be between 96 cents - $1.92 that they would pay per week.
That's less than my daily coffee costs, it's $50 a year.. which is less than what I would spend on a typical big night out.
I don't understand how people can whinge about it.

All of this stuff has really made me think. And I really think that at times I've been selfish in my life. Not selfish in a way that you need to be to get through life, but somewhat ignorant to the struggles that some other people might face.
I don't want to be that kind of person. I know that I can't save the world on my own.
But I can be more aware of other people. I can try harder to not be one of those people who just wants to switch off.

I want to be better.

161.

2011-01-10T09:38:00.000+11:00

It's pretty crazy how quickly the end of last year passed, and to think that it's already into the second week of the new year.
It's hard in a way to look back on 2010.
It was a year that was harder than most, though to a lot of people in my life - it might not have seemed that way.
Sometimes things happen, things that are deeply personal and while I always try to be as honest and open as possible in this blog, sometimes things are really too close to my heart for me to share here.
Last year changed me. Forever.
It made me step back and really take a look at how I was living my life, and the things that I was doing. It made me reassess my goals and question everything that I believed in.
I have learnt how to be stronger, because I had no other choice.
I have learnt who I can and cannot trust, and I learnt that lesson the hard way, believe me.
I made mistakes last year, quite a lot. And I had my heart broken, a few times.
But, last year - I learned what it was like to feel as if I could fall in love again, and that's something that is extremely precious to me.

I don't know what I would have done without my amazing friends, as always. My true friends are like precious gems, and I would not give them up for anything in the world.

Peter: We always talk about how crazy it is that we have only known each other for less than a year - yet we had this instant, strong connection. You are my bff. And us much as I give you shit, and pay out on you, you know that I wouldn't have been able to get through last year without you. You're an amazing person, and if people can't see that then they are stupid. :) Thanks for kicking my arse when I was in 'poor me' mode, and the many drunken train rides home together. Mostly thanks for always being there when I needed someone to talk to, and for always listening and giving me an honest opinion even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear sometimes.

Maya: I have really loved the fact that we've gotten to be closer friends the last year. And I've enjoyed getting to know you more, and seeing you more often.You're great to have a girly chat with you, and I love that we can relate to each other on a lot of things. Your own personal journey last year has been inspiring to watch, and I'm really proud of you and mostly glad you're happy. Seeing you set goals and them slam them has motivated me to set goals for myself. You're an awesome girl. #ivegotgoals

Jarrod: Ah, my favourite gig buddy! It was so awesome getting to see many great bands with you last year, and having some epic crunk times too. You're always one of my most favourite people to hang out with. I love your attitude to life, and the fact that you are always straight up with me. I'm so glad that you have opened up and fallen in love again, so so happy for you. You really are someone who deserves true happiness and I hope that you find it. Just promise me that if you move to America that you'll come back and visit from time to time! :P

Alex: What can I say? You're one of those rare people who I know would never judge me no matter how stupid I act, or no matter what I do. You're the kind of friend who is a friend for life. I love that about you. I feel like you're one person that I can trust with my everything. I know the last year was hard for you, and I admire how strong you are. And the fact that even when things are tough you never let it change your outlook on life. I'm so lucky to have you as a friend :)

Johnny: I like to think of you as my partner in crime. Instead of acting disapproving when I want to muck up, you freely encourage it and come along for the ride! Sometimes I think you might feel as though certain people don't take you seriously and see you as just this party guy, but I know there is so much more to you than that. You're a wise guy, and a true friend. Who else would be willing to sacrifice themselves in order to be my 'wingman' :P

Anita: I feel like we've become better friends in the second part of last year. I love your brutal honesty, and the fact that I can bitch about stuff to you and most of the time we have exactly the same opinion on things. You're one of the coolest girls I know, because you're not a drama queen, and you don't take shit from anyone. I don't know how I'd get through some work day without our little IM chats.

So many other people have really had impacts on my life in the last year, but I would be here forever trying to mention you all.
Some of you taught me about friendship, real friendship.
And some of you taught me what a friendship should not be like.
It's sad to lose a friend simply for the fact that they seem to value their relationship more than a friendship. But. That's life.

I'm not sure what 2011 will hold for me. But I know that I want to be better.
I have started doing Project 365. I'm going to take a photo for every single day of 2011.
I'm going to try and push myself to do things that I've been too scared to do.
I am going to try and be more sensible with my money and to really save.
I want to get fit, and continue my goals for self-improvement.
It would be nice to have a year that is a little less complicated than the last.
But whatever life decides to throw at me this year, bring it on!

160.

2010-12-09T19:53:00.004+11:00

People are judgemental.
It's a fact.
As much as we protest against being judgemental, I think you'd be hard pressed to find somebody who has never judged another.

And the things that we base our judgements on are utterly ridiculous.
Oh, she's so fat.
He's got the shittiest job.
She dresses in the weirdest clothes.
Look how many piercings that guy has!

Now, it would be hypocritical for me to say that we should never judge anyone.
But surely there are better ways to judge whether somebody is worthy of your time?

I'm reminded of this awful reality show I once watched. I forget the name now, but the basic concept of the show was that they got a bunch of typically 'good looking' people together and told them that they were competing for the title of America's Best Looking Person.
But secretly, the judges were judging people on their 'inner beauty'.
Of course, the catch to the show is that all of these 'beautiful' people, were absolutely horrible people on the inside.

It's a funny thing. The way that some people act towards others.
I was having a conversation with someone the other day, and we came to the subject of restaurants. It made me think.
I think that you can tell a lot about a person by the way that they treat people they consider to be 'below' them. People such as a waiter or waitress in a restaurant, or the person at the checkout in a shop.
For me personally, I appreciate that these people have jobs which require them to be on their feet all day, being paid most of the time minimum wage, and getting very little reward in return for their work.
I always try to smile, make eye contact, and be nice to these people.

For me, seeing somebody be rude to wait staff or checkout people simply because they consider them to be of a lower class, etc to themselves is a total deal breaker.
Chances are if someone is a bastard to them, they're going to be a bastard in other areas too.

I also think you can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat their friends.
So many people seem to be easily able to ditch their friends on a night out if they meet someone they're attracted to. Or the minute they start a relationship, it's like nobody else matters.
I understand that giddy feeling of attraction, or the cute honeymoon stage.
But still, you have to think if somebody is completely willing to let their friendships lapse so easily, what do you think is going to happen the minute you start having any kind of issue in the relationship?

The other day when I was on the train to work, an older lady got on the train. She was quite frail looking and there were no seats. I wasn't in a position to get up and give her my seat as she was too far away. But I sat and watched, as a few 'respectable' looking young men in suits just stared at her blankly, or pretended that they didn't see her. Meanwhile, next to one of these young men, was a scruffy looking guy, obviously a tradesmen of some sort, with facial piercings and tattoos, blasting his music loudly. This guy stood up immediately and offered the older lady his seat.

Just because somebody looks a bit rough, doesn't mean that they are a shit person, or a bad person, or that they are any less of a person than you.
I think sometimes we forget that.

Don't judge a book by it's cover.
Judge it by it's content.

That book with the ratty old cover, and dog-eared pages might just end up being the best book that you've ever read.

159.

2010-12-05T20:12:00.002+11:00

children don't grow up. our bodies get bigger, but our hearts get torn up.

Last night. I held a tiny little 6 day old baby. I just looked her and melted.
She is so small, and so innocent.
Untouched by heartbreak, loss, prejudice, and everything bad in the world.

It's a precious gift that children have, that gift of innocence, and the eternal optimism that everything will be alright because mum or dad say so.

There's a lot to be said for embracing that quality, and embracing your inner child.
I think I've probably written a little bit about this before. But it's something that I truly believe in. That sense of optimism, however naive it might be. It's really what gets me through the day.

There's a song that I love, and the lyrics really speak to me.

why do we like to hurt so much?

What makes us go back for seconds, in a situation where we know that we are going to get hurt, disappointed, or let down?

Are we as humans a little bit addicted to pain?
I don't mean physical pain so much, but more emotional pain.
Are some of us addicted to that melancholy feeling?

I think that sometimes, hurt and sadness can be a more powerful emotion than happiness.
So many times I have seen people get what they want.
Then throw it away, fuck it up, or be bored with it.

Are we wired to be addicted to the longing, wanting what we can't have?

It's something I think about a lot.
Can anybody ever truly be happy?
What happens when you get exactly what you want?
Where do you go from there?
What do you have to aim for, to work for, what do you have to challenge you?

Maybe that's why we like to hurt a little bit.
Hurting reminds us that we are real.
It makes us strive to be happy again.

And as much as I dig the eternal optimism.
I think it's good to hurt a bit sometimes.

If we never went through the shit times, how would we ever learn to appreciate the rad times?

158.

2010-11-03T20:38:00.003+11:00

Sometimes I feel so lost, almost like a ghost floating endlessly with nowhere to go.

Do you remember those 'choose your own ending' books? I always used to read ahead, and if I didn't like that particular ending, I would go back and choose something else until I got the ending that I wanted.

At times I really wish that life was like that, I wish that I could skip forward and know the choices that I had to make to get the ending that I wanted, instead of wasting time being disappointed with the way that things turn out.

It's an interesting idea, that going back and changing one small detail at a particular time, in a particular situation could alter your entire future.

And not only your future, but the future of the people who are close to you as well.

If you had the power to go back and 'choose' a different ending, would you only choose the ending that benefits you the most? The ending that you want? Even if it meant that the ending turned out bad for someone that you loved and cared about?

It's kind of nice to be able to imagine that there is some kind of perfect happy ending for us all, but I don't think that it's realistic. The idea of being able to go back in time and change things so that the future is different is explored a lot in the movie The Butterfly Effect.

In that movie, you end up seeing that there is no perfect happy ending, there is no way to please everyone and make it so that every person has things exactly how they want.

I think at the end of the day, it's really about making the best of what you have.
I could sit here for hours wishing that things were different, or that things worked out a certain way.
But at the end of the day, is that really going to get me anywhere?

Yes, at the moment I might feel lost. I might feel alone. I might feel scared that I'll never be happy.

It's called life.

Sometimes the journey is more important than the destination.

157.

2010-09-11T18:06:00.003+10:00

I like the way that when you hug me, you can wrap me up entirely in your arms, and it feels like nobody or nothing could ever hurt me again.

I like that you're taller than me, and that I have to stand on my tippytoes to kiss you.

I like that you think I'm cute even when I'm sick and have bed hair and panda eyes in the morning. and i like that you'll go out in the cold at 8:30 at night to buy me dinner and cough medicine because I don't feel well.

I like the way that when we look into each others eyes, its like a million things are said without either of us speaking a word.

And I like the way that reaching for your hand, or you reaching for mine is like second nature to both of us.

You never make me feel stupid, even though we both know you're a million times smarter than me.

And I know that with you I am free to be myself, and that being myself only makes you like me more.

I still pinch myself wondering how I got so lucky sometimes.

I'm smart enough to know now that there's no such thing as a perfect person.

But you're my perfectly imperfect person.

156.

2010-08-29T16:57:00.002+10:00

Its funny how sometimes in life, you get an idea of what things 'should' be like based on your previous experiences and the people around you.

How many things in life do we miss out on, because they are not 'right' or they are not the way that things 'should' be?

Is this an easy way out?
A way to go through life living the safe way and not ever taking any risks?
I don't want to live my life that way anymore.
I don't want to settle for what I 'should' have.

I want a life that surprises me every day, I want to do things that challenge me and make me look at the world in a different way, in a way that makes me appreciate the magic that seems to be so lost on a lot of people.

I should be in a steady relationship, engaged, or married, or possibly even have children.
I should be living out of home, or on my way to buying my own home. I should be sensible and save for the future. I should have gone to university. I should be thinner, I should be healthier and I should know where I want to be in ten years time.

I'm not in a steady relationship, I don't really know where I stand with a particular person.
I spend money on cute clothes, shoes, makeup, and girly things, amazing music, and things that make me feel good. I go out most weekends. I have tattoos on my body that will never go away.
I go to concerts and I dance my arse off. I go to bars or pubs with my friends and drink far too much. I'm not thin, nor am I the poster girl for healthy living. I'm silly, I'm irresponsible sometimes, and lazy. I don't know where I want to be in ten years time. I spend a lot of time dreaming about things that may not ever happen. I'm messy. I'm imperfect.

But I have met someone who makes me think, who challenges me and who makes me smile constantly and who makes me feel like I'm the most amazing person in the universe. I have had some of the best nights of my life with my friends, I have met some people I'll never forget.
I'm still not super thin, but I have never loved my body more.
I'm not exactly healthy, but I enjoy my indulgences.
I don't know where I will be in ten years. But I plan to have fun finding out.
I love the fact that life always has a surprise in store for me.
I'm not perfect by any means.
But I am my own person, and I live life on my own terms.
And I've never felt so ALIVE.

155.

2010-08-20T01:13:00.003+10:00

I had been doing alright without a someone in my sights, but I am changing and quickly.
Why does it hurt when we invest into an excitable sense?
When waiting anxious for return, getting pushed away discerns.
But I am wanting to try it again and let another someone in.

I pick apart faults that I've made in the past, caused affection to pass.
I want to learn from mistakes, I want it to be okay if I hold on tighter...

'Like You To Me' - Set Your Goals

154.

2010-08-10T19:15:00.006+10:00

Sometimes people go through life thinking that they need somebody elses approval to validate the fact that they are worth something.

And sometimes, they feel that if someone doesn't like them, then there must be something wrong with who they are as a person.

But I think that the most precious moment in life, is when you finally realise that it was all for nothing.

When you realise, that you're you, and who you are is somebody amazing.

And when you finally understand, without even realising, that you knew that all along.

153.

2010-08-08T17:52:00.005+10:00

I've been sitting here listening to New Found Glory all afternoon and one line in a song grabbed me.

'I should have listened to my friends, when they told me of bad intentions'

It made me think. How many times have I ignored perfectly good advice from my friends, only to later on wish that I'd listened to them in the first place?
It's a funny thing really, I mean friends are supposed to be the people that we trust to tell us the truth no matter what, the people that we turn to when we are going through a rough time.
Yet a lot us will completely ignore advice or opinions from our friends if it isn't what we want to hear.

It makes me think of a time where I had introduced an ex boyfriend to all of my friends and asked them all afterwards what they thought of said person.
All I heard was praise, and 'ooh yes he's awesome em' etc.
Then.. later on after things had turned a bit sour. Everyone told me 'oh we never liked him, you can do better'. Needless to say I was completely confused.

But now that I think about it, in a strange way it makes a lot of sense.

As I said before, a lot of the time we dismiss what our friends say, if it's not what we want to hear. And we will even make excuses as to why what our friends have said is complete bullshit. Oh.. you're just jealous, you don't know them, you don't understand.
I can see why people find it easier to just agree instead of letting their true feelings be known at the time. I mean, nobody wants to play the bad guy.

But it does worry me a little. I mean are we creating a society where nobody ever says how they truly feel because they know they're going to be put in the spot of the bad guy. And condemned as having some kind of hidden agenda, rather than just being a good friend and looking out for somebody's best interests?

I mean of course there is a line between being truthful, and being a bit horrible about it. Sometimes absolute brutal honesty might not really be the most tactful approach. But - maybe a little bit more honesty might not go astray.

Maybe we all need to be a little bit more stronger, and willing to take the blows that come with telling someone the truth. At the end of the day I know that I would feel much better knowing that I've said what I meant rather than pussyfooting around the issue.

It's just so tough these days to really know when people are being genuine at times.
It's especially harder if you've had a lot of experience with people not being genuine.
It just creates such an environment of distrust. And really.. who wants to live like that?

I'd rather be able to go into things thinking that people are genuine until proven wrong.
Quite possibly that's a bit of a blind optimism, or even naivety.
But I'm no stranger to heartbreak. I know how to pick myself up and carry on with life.
So I'd rather hope for the best, than to expect the worst.

Don't be afraid to tell people how you really feel.
We waste so much time in life worrying about this.
And if you're anything like me you know, life is far too precious to waste even a minute.

152.

2010-07-20T19:30:00.005+10:00

It's funny how the months pass you by without you even really noticing.
I can't believe that I'm already more than halfway through 2010.
What do I have to show for it?
Well, I don't really know. I have an acting position at work which I never thought that I would get.
To me that is pretty amazing. I think I'm really lucky that I have found a job that I actually enjoy and one that I'm good at.
I have another failed relationship under my belt. Which sucks.
I don't really know why it all fell apart, I suppose that we were just two different people on two different paths in life. I don't know if I did anything wrong, and I don't know why lately it seems that I can't function in relationships after a certain time period. Is it that I'm choosing the wrong people to spend time with? Or is it me?

I want more for myself, but what is it that I want?
I want to be better, I want to make my mark on the world.
I want to be the kind of person that people can't wait to see.
I need to start doing the things that I love, and exploring my talents instead of just letting life be.
I want to make the most of everything that life throws at me.
I don't want to continually disappoint the people around me.
I want to shine.
I want to be amazing.
I just don't know where to start.

151.

2010-04-23T07:19:00.003+10:00

You know the old cliche; 'good things come to those who wait'? Well, I always thought that it was just something that people said to fob you off when things sucked. But now I'm starting to realise that it might be kind of true. I've put up with bullshit from people for such a long time, thinking that it was the best I could get. I've come across people who tried to attack me for what I wanted, people who were happy to spend time with me but only on their terms, people who were downright arseholes, and people who were too insecure to appreciate me when they had the chance. And now after almost three years of dealing with other people's bullshit, I realised that I didn't need another person to make me realise my potential. I've done that all on my own. Maybe I needed to do it on my own. I've finally got to the stage where instead of going into things expecting to fail, instead I'm tackling them head on with a new found confidence. And the thing is, I'm so glad that I got to this point, because it's allowed me to make room in my life and my heart for something and someone amazing. :)

-- Post From My iPhone

150.

2010-03-27T11:41:00.004+11:00

Today I'm pondering relationships.
An ex boyfriend of mine once said (although not directly to my face) that I was going to be lonely for a very long time, because I expect perfection.
I thought about this for a long time, and I realised that it was a completely stupid thing to say. Because, I mean.. what is perfect? There is no definition of perfection.
I doubt that any person in the world could tell you what traits a perfect person has, because everyone has different ideas of what they like or dislike.
And besides that point, if someone was perfect - they would be boring. As much as we might hate to admit it, people need flaws. Flaws keep life interesting, conflict does also.
I don't think that having an idea of what you want out of a relationship, and not settling for anything less than that is expecting perfection.

I don't know about anyone else, but for me personally, I don't see the point in being with someone unless you have that heart crushing, mind consuming, attraction.
The 'spark'
I am a big believer in the spark. You need to be able to banter with someone, challenge each other, have your own opinions, yet at the same time complement each others personalities.
Relationships are meant to be a partnership, two people who are so fucking into each other that they don't care what the rest of the world thinks.

I really hate the concept of one person being better than the other one.
Like, 'oh you can do so much better, you're out of my league' etc.

Who decides what makes someone 'good enough' for another person?
Is it looks? Status? Personality?

And what gives other people the right to judge this?

Shouldn't it just be, that both people are happy?
Isn't that the thing that should matter?

I remember on an internet dating site once, I read a guy's profile and it said something to the effect of: 'if my friends ask we will have to lie about where we met'.
That's another thing that I don't really get, I mean to start with if you're ashamed of meeting someone over the internet then why are you there in the first place?
Why would you want to have a relationship where you lie to everyone about how you met, and totally kill the cute story of how you came to meet, and fall for each other?
So many people use the internet these days, and yes there are always the horror stories but sometimes you might just meet someone who you never would have come to known otherwise due to different lifestyles, distance, or just life in general.

I think that far too many people let all these different factors prevent them from being really happy with someone.
Would you rather go through life, not meeting people because you care too much about whether your friends or family would think?
Or not meeting people because they have a lower or higher paying job than you do?

Is it your mum, dad, best friend, workmate, anyone else that is going to date the person? No, it's you.

Are we really so afraid of what the world thinks, so afraid that we would let that get in the way of finding someone who makes you smile like crazy, someone that makes your world just that little bit brighter, someone who makes you feel like you're worth a million dollars?

All that should matter are the two people involved.
And if we are really good people, we would keep that in mind for the people in our life too. Your friend might date someone who isn't a supermodel, someone who works a really shitty job, someone who has the fashion sense of Kramer from Seinfeld.
But when you see them together, they just look so freaking happy.
That's all that should matters. If you care about someone all that you should want is for them to be happy. And as long as they are happy, who are we to judge?

There's an anonymous quote that I found that I think is something that we would all be wise to take notice of.

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

I don't expect perfection. But I do expect that if I'm going to be with someone, that it's going to be something that makes me feel amazing.

Isn't that all that matters?

149.

2010-02-27T11:03:00.005+11:00

I am a big believer in the power of positive thinking.
Like attracts like and all that kind of thing, and while I don't think my thoughts go as far as the whole 'The Secret' ideal where if you think of something you'll get it, I still think there is something to be said for being optimistic.

Too many people let things get them down, and let the circumstances of life turn them into a bitter, negative person.
Shitty things happen, it's a fact of life. But wallowing in this fact really isn't going to solve any of your problems.

I remember a time when I used to be a very negative person, and someone that I knew back then told me that if I was sad all the time, then I would just attract similar people into my life. I remember being confused at the time, but when you think about it - it does make sense.

I've discovered through experiencing life, and being happy that I don't want to be around negative people anymore. It feels like people who have that attitude bring me down and make me feel negative too.

I seem to have this eternally optimistic streak, and while it may be a little naive to think this way it really has helped me beyond belief.
It would far too easy for me to let the things that have happened in my life drag me into this bitter, twisted frame of mind.

Happy people attract happy people. If you're a happy, positive person it's really infectious and you find that more and more people want to be around you because you give off this warm, lovely vibe. Nobody wants to be around the person who is constantly bitching and whinging, while refusing to do anything constructive to change their life.

Everything happens for a reason. Even if we can't see what the reason is at the time. Our experiences shape who we are as people. You know the saying 'what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger'? .. it might sound cliche but it's absolutely true.
If we never went through bad times, then how would we appreciate the good times?
If people didn't hurt us, if we didn't meet shitty people, then how would we appreciate the truly amazing ones when they come along?

I'm happy being happy. I appreciate every experience in life. I mean of course I have my down days but I think the most important thing is acknowledging that it's a bad day, and knowing that things will get better. There is no sense in dragging negativity along with you each and every day.

Try to smile at least once every day. It helps.
Try to remember that after every storm, there is a rainbow.
And try to remember; as Marilyn Monroe once said:
'Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together'..

148.

2010-01-24T22:46:00.002+11:00

I may have a lot of pretty dresses. And lots of lovely shoes. And cute hair bows.
But a smile is still my favourite outfit to wear.
I hope I get to wear it a lot more this year.

147.

2010-01-21T20:16:00.002+11:00

I'm a quiet person.
I'm not one of those loud, in your face kind of people.
I don't really enjoy being the centre of attention a lot of the time.
And I think it's time that I stood up for the quiet person.

Just because I'm quiet, doesn't mean that I'm a stuck up snob who doesn't want to talk to you.
In fact if you take the time to get to know me you'll find that I'm very much the opposite.
It also doesn't mean that I'm a pushover.
I might be quiet and nice, but it doesn't mean that I'm going to allow you to treat me like shit because you think that I won't stand up and say something about it.

And I may not scream, cry, make a scene when I'm upset, but that doesn't mean that my feelings are any less important than yours are.
And when I do decide to scream, cry or make a scene.. it doesn't mean that I'm being unreasonable. I usually have a good reason for doing so.

I find it hard to tell people how I really feel sometimes. It doesn't mean that I'm a cold bitch.
I feel a lot. I'm a very emotional person. Be patient with me, I like to take my time with things.
Don't dismiss me, take the time to get to know what I'm about.

Just because I'm quiet, doesn't mean that I'm not fun.
I just like to have fun at lower volumes than you.

Please be nice to us quiet people, sometimes it's hard enough to speak up - without you interrupting and talking over the top of what we're saying.

I'm quiet, but if you're the right person then you won't be able to shut me up.
Take time to sit down and talk to a quiet person and you'll be surprised what you might find.
Being loud, and full on doesn't mean that you have a better personality.
It just means you're a little bit more brave.

Quiet people can be brave too.
You just need to give us a chance to shine.

146.

2010-01-19T20:58:00.002+11:00

'If Jenny jumped off a bridge, would you too?'
One sentence, that could be so frustrating as a kid.
But I don't know if any of us actually stopped to think about it.
I mean.. would you have jumped if Jenny did?

Friends. Pretty much everyone has them.
Friends are one of the most important things in a person's life. Friends are there to help us when we're in need, to have fun with, to just.. be there.
But sometimes I wonder if some people are far too easily led by their friends.

Despite what some people say, I think that the whole 'pack mentality' thing is still thriving strong in this day and age. Humans seem to have an overwhelming desire to fit in.
Everyone wants to be liked. And some people, they want to be liked at whatever cost.

But I wonder if it's really worth it?
Would you not date someone that you really liked, just because your friends didn't like him or thought that you could do better?
Would you go out and spend an entire paycheck on something, just because it's the thing that everyone 'must have' at the time?

Sometimes I think that people are so quick to be a follower, rather than just being.
You even see it crossing the road.
The little man is red, but there doesn't seem to be any cars around.. one person makes the leap and crosses the road, and next thing you know ten other people are doing the same thing.

Is it the case that we think, if someone else is doing it... then it must be okay for me to do it too?

Whatever happened to making up our own minds about something.

Take a chance.
Wear something outrageous, just because it makes you happy.
Sing like you're a rock star.
Dance like nobody is watching.
Love like you've never experienced hurt before.

Just... be.

145.

2010-01-17T14:27:00.002+11:00

Sometimes the hardest thing in life is telling someone how you really feel.

144.

2010-01-08T20:58:00.002+11:00

Women are funny creatures. I guess I'm allowed to say this since I am one.
I've been feeling very contemplative lately, inspired maybe - just thinking about all these random little facets of life in general.
My new found confidence and self awareness has made me think about what it means to be a woman in this day and age.
Some like to say that we do it tough, others that we do it easy.
If you look at the stereotypical side of women, we love to shop, we're emotional, we are nurturing, we take forever to get ready, and we obsess over silly things like leaving the toilet seat down.
I've never really considered myself to be a 'typical' woman. And sometimes the behavior of some of my 'sisters' .. really just boggles my mind. Yes guys, you're not alone in not understanding women.

One thing I don't think that I will ever understand about women is why some of us feel the need to drag each other down all the time. You know what I'm talking about... you're out on a Friday night. Everyone is dressed to the nines and out to have a good time. As the night goes on, you have to brave every girl's worst nightmare: the ladies bathrooms.
So you go and line up, behind about 20 other girls.
An attractive girl walks out of the stall, washes her hands, fixes her hair.. then leaves.
You hear the two girls in front of you start talking to each other..
Girl 1: 'Oh my god, what the fuck was she wearing?'
Girl 2: -laughs- 'I know, and did you see the guy she was with before? He could do way better!'

If another female dresses provocatively, she's automatically labelled a skank.
If she gets along well with males, and seems to get a lot of male attention then she's a slut.
If she's smart, and intellectual - then we find a reason to pick at that too.
Girls that are thin, get the 'eating disorder' tag.
Girls that are curvier get called fat arses.

Ladies: I'm not saying that all of us are like this all the time. But I think it's safe to say that we've all been guilty of some of this woman to woman combat at one time or another.
I definitely can't say that I've never done it before. And that makes me wonder... why?

Are we really so insecure that whenever we see a pretty girl - or any other girl for that matter, we have to try and rip her to shreds so that we feel a little bit prettier? Or smarter? Or more superior?
It would be nice, if we could just be supportive of each other instead of feeling like we are in constant competition with each other to be the Queen Bee.

Something that came out in the news recently made me think a lot about this.
Jennifer Hawkins recently posed for untouched, un-photoshopped nude pictures for Marie Clare magazine to promote healthy and positive female body image.
I bet she wasn't expecting the huge wave of criticism that followed this. Everyone seemed to weigh in on this - saying that Jen was a bad example because she wasn't an 'average woman with body image concerns'.
Biance Dye even said: "She was born beautiful. She has not had to go through any stress to look like that,"

And so what? Just because someone is beautiful, does that mean that we have to slam them? I personally applaud Jen for her decision to pose for the photos and have them published without being touched up. Yes - she may not have as many bumps or lumps as some of us. But it's still a brave step for any woman!

We are complicated creatures, and maybe it's just built into us to try and naturally compete.
But I think it's a shame that we do.
Women and men are always portrayed as having to fight against each other, the whole battle of the sexes type thing.
But the truth is - our biggest battle isn't against males.
It's against ourselves.

Let's stop the girl on girl hating.
I reckon we could accomplish so much more if we did.
:)

143.

2010-01-02T00:27:00.002+11:00

I've been contemplating technology tonight.
Yes, technology.

Technology in so many ways is a blessing, and it's designed to make our lives easier.
These days you can pretty much do everything online, from ordering pizza, to doing your banking, shopping, finding a hotel overseas, or even just checking your emails.
We're a pretty lucky generation apparently, to have all this at the tips of our fingers.

Noone really ever talks about the down side of this though.
I think that all this technology, the internet in particular can be more of a burden than a blessing.

In the last few years text messaging has really taken off, but the thing with that is that texts seem to have replaced phone calls. The things that you used to make a quick call about, are replaced by texts. And sometimes you even have whole conversations via sms instead of actually talking to the person.
Fuck, I mean... you can even get broken up with by sms these days.

The other thing that I'm thinking of is social networking sites.
Facebook, Myspace, Yourplace, whatever.

It's great that there are sites like this around to keep in touch and up to date with what your friends and people you know are up to. But I think there is such a thing as TOO much information.
I'm sure we all have those friends who like to constantly bitch and whinge via status updates or posts.. and I mean.. I know that these sites can be a means for expressing yourself.
But REALLY, do we need to hear about how much your life sucks every hour on the hour?

The other thing that is annoying about social networking sites is that you have to read what everyone else says to a person that you may know.
Here's an example... you've started seeing a guy or a girl, and you think things are going well.
Then you happen to log onto their profile, and see a million flirty messages from someone else.
But of course you can't view that other person's profile - so you only get one side of the conversation.
We're human, and it's natural when seeing something like that to assume things. And the assuming gets out of control and makes you think things that might even not be true.
I mean, facebook has broken up marriages for gods sake!
Think about logging onto facebook and seeing that your other half has suddenly just changed their relationship status to single. Pretty shitty!

Maybe this year I'll try and make more of an effort to actually TALK to people instead of relying on all this technology to do the work for me.
Oh.. I just got a text message.. gotta run. :P

142.

2009-12-26T15:27:00.003+11:00

2009.

What a year.

This year has been a year that has changed me in so many ways that I'm not sure if I know where to begin explaining. I think that I have finally started to become the person that I know I am deep down, or more so just showing people the person that I am deep down.
Sometimes it still even shocks me how much I have come out of my shell this year, and for the people who know me well, and have known me for a while - I'm sure that they can see it.
So where do I even start?

This year, I got my heart broken about a million times. I learnt a lot of lessons the hard way. I learnt that people should earn your trust a lot of the time instead of automatically receiving it.

To the people who said some really shitty things to me. I could be bitter, or hate you. But instead I want to thank you. Dealing with arseholes like you made a million times stronger and taught me that I shouldn't care what people think of me. Because people who judge me on what I look like and not who I am, aren't worth my time.

To a certain boy, who decided the best way to end things with me was by cutting off all contact and never speaking to me again. You proved to me that if my friends tell me someone is an arsehole, or that it's a bad idea. Then they are almost always right.

To my amazing friends. I would not have gotten through this year without you. I am so lucky to have a bunch of people like you in my life. I know I'm not the easiest person to deal with at times but you have stuck by me, and been so supportive. And most of all showed me that it's okay to be me. I know I can't mention everyone in this entry, but I do want to make a special mention of a few people.

Kurt: you have taught me a lot, just by talking to you. And you have always been there when I needed someone to talk to. I feel like you have helped me a lot this year when I've been down, or doubting of myself. And I'm so lucky to have met you. Don't ever change :)

Nikki and the girls: I am soo glad that I got to see more of you this year. I love spending time with you, whether it's going out and getting drunk and dancing. Or just hanging out at your house. I've never met a bunch of people who are just so accepting, and who make me feel totally welcome whatever happens. I love all of you SO much!

Dean: What can I say? I love having you as a friend. Your dry wit, never ceases to crack me up. And I love our banter. I almost feel like you're my long lost big brother sometimes haha. You're not afraid to tell me how it is, and having someone like that around is awesome. You're an awesome actor too and I really enjoyed coming to your shows and seeing a different side of you.
I miss our awesome and somewhat crude messenger conversations at work. It hasn't been the same since you left!

Alex: So many things I can say about you mister. I have loved getting to know you a lot better this year and hanging out outside of work. I love our little shopping trips, and our gossip sessions. I don't know what I would have done without your 'love' advice this year. hehe. You have been there unconditionally for me and always, always made time to listen to me if I needed you. You're a great friend Alex and I love you to bits!

Brett: Even though sometimes we are sporadic with our talkingness. And we've had our moments, I still always really enjoy talking to you. I think that we think the same way about a lot of things and it's nice to have that. Unwritten Law - even though it wasn't this year.. was a night that I won't ever forget. You give yourself such a hard time sometimes. But you're great.

Jarrod: We didn't really talk that much until the later half of this year. But I'm so glad that we started. I feel like we have this sorta unspoken bond. I just love spending time with you cause it's so easy and we can just talk about anything. We're totally on the same music wavelength and it's so much fun having our long music conversation and song sharings. You are one amazing young man. :)

Another huge change for me this year was losing weight. I have gone for a very long time being overweight and hating myself because of it. I think that it contributed a lot to my low self esteem and being quite in my shell. At the end of 2009, I've now lost 37 kilos. Which is really just amazing for me. I went for so long feeling shitty about the way that I looked, and paranoid that people looked down on me because of it.
Sometimes I think that I come across as being a bit vain these days, but I suppose unless you have been through it, the amazing feeling of looking so different, being noticed, having people compliment you after so long is hard to understand. I'm going to be brave and post a picture.. to show you all how much of a difference this has made..

Even just looking at the pictures myself spins me out!

This year has also been a year of expanding and achieving things that I never thought I would work wise. The later part of this year I got a higher position at work, and going through that process at times I really did doubt myself, I think I'm harder on myself than most people are on me. And I've struggled with that and let it hold me back, but I think I am taking steps in the right direction to overcome that.

I had a lot of challenges with family issues too. This year was hard for all of us here at home. But I am very lucky to have a family that supports me, and a family in which we can all talk or yell our issues out. I think that we have absolutely grown together and that we are all a lot closer for it.

Kristy: I know this year was really, really hard for you. But in the last few months I have seen you making positive changes, and even though at times you still might go astray - you're a totally different person to the start of the year. And I'm seeing you blossom. I'm so proud of you and I love you.

Mum: You're probably one of the strongest people I know. No matter what shit has happened, and how hard things got you haven't given up on us. You have been nothing but supportive of me this year and I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me. I've seen you struggle a lot, and I'm sorry if I haven't always been there enough for you like you are with me. But I'm trying.
I'm so glad that you have met someone that makes you happy, because you deserve nothing less.

This year has been tough. And I think that without a combination of persistence, optimism, amazing people around me, and sheer determination, that I would have given up.
But I'm so glad that I didn't. I know that things in my life still aren't perfect, but I'm absolutely on the road to being where I want to be. It might sound like I'm being full of myself, but I don't care... I am completely proud of myself.
I don't think I can remember a time when I have been so content. I love where things are leading for me. And I can't wait to start 2010, because I have a feeling that it's going to be my year.

141.

2009-12-20T13:45:00.003+11:00

And so it starts, the reflecting on 2009.
2009 was such an amazing year for music for me. So I'm going to make a list of my favourite albums of 2009. Now I know I've probably missed a few out, but these albums were the ones that I adored, that I listened to over and over again.
So in no particular order..

My Favourite Albums of 2009

♥ Nothing Personal - All Time Low
♥ Alter The Ending - Dashboard Confessional
♥ Brand New Eyes - Paramore
♥ Homesick - A Day To Remember
♥ Say Anything - Say Anything
♥ Cycles - Cartel
♥ Self-Titled Album - The Audition
♥ Old Crows/Young Cardinals - Alexisonfire
♥ This Will Be The Death of Us - Set Your Goals
♥ Adelphia - A Skylit Drive
♥ A Shipwreck In The Sand - Silverstein
♥ Lost In Pacific Time - The Academy Is
♥ Anywhere But Here - Mayday Parade
♥ A New Hope - Vanna
♥ VersaEmerge - VersaEmerge
♥ Ocean Eyes - Owl City
♥ Hot Mess - Cobra Starship
♥ The World I Want To Leave Behind - Moneen
♥ America Underwater - Lovehatehero
♥ Smile Kid - We The Kings

140.

2009-12-16T13:39:00.002+11:00

One thing I didn't count on being single again, is how much I would miss cuddles.
I've taken up this huge habit, of cuddling my pillow every night. It's kinda comforting in a way. :)
I don't really have much to report, except that I hate my body/stomach for making me feel shitty.
And just general observations on life again. It's funny with this whole losing weight thing. I mean I do feel about a million times better about myself. But the funny part about losing weight is that it does show you how shallow some people can be. Ever since I've become thinner, there's been a few certain people who I won't mention, who wouldn't have given me the time of day before. But suddenly they want in. And it's not going to happen.
The last couple of weeks have been nice, discovered lots of new and beautiful music, and had some conversations that made me grin like crazy. I've been thinking a lot about this year and all that's happened and I think that before the end of the year a 'reflective' entry about 2009 is in order.

139.

2009-12-05T21:49:00.002+11:00

Hope is a funny thing. I don't really think that I would be able to function without it, because otherwise I think it would be so easy to let all the things that have happened in my life get me down.
But at the same time, sometimes I'm scared to hope. Because when you hope. There's always the chance that you're going to get let down, or not get what you want.
I think the question is, do I let myself hope this time?
Sometimes it's worth it.

135.

2009-11-11T17:03:00.002+11:00

Another bit of slackness between posts here, but here I am again back in blogger land.
It's been a busy few weeks! I got that promotion at work, so I've started doing some different stuff at work which is really awesome. I am so proud that I managed to work my arse of an progress in the little career world.
I've also met a boy, who has made my life amazingly good for the past close to a month. I know he doesn't think so but he's really amazing. I am smitten. And I have a good feeling about this. It's kinda strange for me being a 'girlfriend' again, I'm not used to it. But I suppose it's one of those things that will take me a little while to settle into. I'm crazily happy which is so great.
If only I could kick the stupid sicknesses that seem to keep attacking me, throat infection this time which I suspect I may have caught from the boy. Haha.
On a side note, something that happened today has made me think. Do you think it's okay to have subtle 'digs' at people via social networking sites such as facebook/twitter etc?
I'm a bit on the fence with this one since I know that I have somewhat vented about people on this blog before.. I guess it just feels a bit different when someone has the dig at you. Or maybe I'm just being incredibly self indulgent by thinking it's about me? I don't know.
It's made me think about the way that I use my blog that's for sure. I don't really know is there a difference between venting about someone on a blog, and using a tweet or a status update to have a dig at someone? Any thoughts?
Super excited for this weekend, and hoping I get better in time because my boy is taking me to the Novotel in Manly for Saturday night. He won a free night's stay there, and dinner in their restaurant plus breakfast the next morning. It's going to be sooo nice to just relax and spend some time together away from family/housemates/outside distractions. So um.. don't stress if my phone is off on Saturday night. Hehe.
That's about all from me for now, I think sometime in the near future I might make a few photo posts. Stay tuned :)

134.

2009-10-24T20:09:00.001+11:00

I discovered this awesome app that lets me post to my blog from my iPhone. So rad! I'm completely in love with this phone. :)
In other news I'm super excited about tomorrow. But kinda freaking out!

-- Posted from my iPhone

133.

2009-10-11T19:32:00.002+11:00

I'm back from the clutches of an evil stomach virus and i live to tell the tale!
Gave me a little bit of a scare, but I'm feeling 99% better.. Still a bit achey and tired but I will live to see another day!

Things are swimming along nicely at the moment. I'm waiting to hear back from work whether i got this temporary 6 month higher position - they checked my references which is a good sign I suppose.. now the waiting game begins!

Life has been remarkably drama free, I am liking it a lot. Very chilled, mainly just worrying about this silly position. But I think it will always be in my nature to over worry things hehe.
Tomorrow should be interesting with trying to figure out the new bus and train timetables.. I'm hoping that my trip to work will run smoothly without chaos.

Anyway it's really been the best few weeks for new music.
The new albums that I'm enjoying lately include:

Paramore - Brand New Eyes
AFI - Crash Love
Mayday Parade - Anywhere But Here
Brand New - Daisy

Blissblissblissful.
I'm so so excited for Soundwave next year.. Second announcement of bands on Tuesday.
I'm totally praying for either Blink or Fall Out Boy. I would honestly possibly pass out if that happens. Hehe.
Thinking of actually hiring a hotel for the weekend of Soundwave - it will just mean not having to brave public transport and a lot less hassle. There is a hotel about 500 metres from where Soundwave is on.. so I'm thinking stay there Saturday night - get to Eastern Creek nice and early Sunday morning - then crash there Sunday night.

In other news. I desperately want an iphone.
For anyone reading this who may be thinking of getting a new phone.
Don't EVER get a samsung Omnia. Shittiest phone ever - I've had it only a maximum of 6 months probably and it's the glitchiest fucking thing ever. I hateeeee it.

Hopefully optus will approve me for a plan, otherwise I shall have to deal with the glitchyness for awhile. booooo.

Weight loss update: approximately 32ish kilos lost now :D :D

132.

2009-09-16T22:55:00.001+10:00

do you miss the way the world was spinning for us?

131.

2009-09-08T18:29:00.002+10:00

This week something spectacular happened.
Now bear with me, because it really won't seem that spectacular. But it really is.

I bought a pair of skinny jeans. And they look cute on.

Yes, doesn't seem that important, but.. I haven't had the confidence to wear a pair of tight jeans since I was about seventeen! I'm thrilled. Like super thrilled!! :D

I feel more confident than I have for a looong time.

I'm enjoying my holidays so far, even though I have to go into work on Thursday. Boo. They're doing interviews for a higher position that I applied for. I guess it kinda sucks that I have to go in, but I'm thrilled I got an interview!

And on a side note.. why is it that my friends seem to be way more concerned with my love life than I am? Seriously... leave it.

130.

2009-08-25T21:00:00.004+10:00

'The day's planetary configuration is bringing you to the realization that you have only a limited number of ways you can deal with a certain situation. You can either fight your way out, or you can focus on the real reasons why the relationship, or set of relationships seems to be at fault. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill; be realistic about what needs changing...'

I'm not usually one to buy too much into horoscopes, I mainly read them for a bit of fun. But today's one actually seemed to ring true with me at the moment. I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately, and I think that I'm on the right track.
I am trying to keep a clear head, and not get carried away with my usual hating on myself routine. I think that although not many of my friends will admit it to me, that it's really getting old.
I don't want to be one of those people who are constantly negative and all 'poor me'.
I'm better than that, and I want more than to go through life feeling like the world owes me something.
I'm kinda just pottering along at the moment, life isn't all that exciting without all the constant men drama that I seem to create. But... I'm trying to just be okay with that.
I think that I really need to learn how to just.. be.
The trouble is that I really do get bored easily, but I think this time I really need to just push that aside... and not buy back into old habits of unhealthy relationships, just for the sake of a bit of attention.
This weekend, I am going to let loose. Life has been busy the last couple of weeks with lots of stuff to get done so I haven't had much of a chance to go out on the town.
But this weekend - I am going to. And I'm not going to worry about anything, I'm just going to have fun!
I think that I'll get used to this new little path in life eventually, it's just a bit of an adjustment at the moment.
I fall for people too easily, and it's tempting to fall back into that habit again. But I'm determined to remain strong and resist it!
Hm, and for those of you who may be wondering - no, he never called me back.
I threw out his watch on Sunday and it gave me a fuckload of satisfaction doing so.
There's no point wasting my time thinking about people who clearly don't care about me.
I can do better. :]

129.

2009-08-09T21:47:00.002+10:00

new plan.

i'm going to cleanse myself from the inside out.

no more drama. no more getting hurt. just keep it simple.
i'm going to boycott dating for awhile, and just hang out with the people who make me smile the most. no stress, just fun times.

i deserve more than the bullshit i put myself through just to be with someone.

128.

2009-08-08T21:49:00.002+10:00

Stood up for the second weekend in a row.
I'm fucking done.

:(

127.

2009-08-06T21:09:00.003+10:00

I don't think that I'll ever understand males.
The last two weeks have totally confirmed that for me. As if I didn't already know.
The whole situation is just soo.. confusing.

So here's the deal. I have been seeing someone for a little while now. Things I thought were going awesomely. Then suddenly.. the hot and cold begins. We had this amazing night, where we both sorta talked about how we felt. And he - without me initiating it - tells me that he is 'falling for me'
Then.. the texts start getting sporadic. Phone calls even more so.
Then the past weekend, we were supposed to hang out on Saturday night. I hadn't heard from him at around 3ish.. so I tried to call him.. no answer. I thought, 'fair enough' he's probably busy. Then I still hadn't heard from him at around 4:30 so I sent a casual text just asking him if he could let me know what time he was going to pick me up so I could be ready. I didn't get any reply.. so I waited until about 6:30 (at which point I had kinda figured he wouldn't show up but I thought I'd try one more time) .. then I called him again. And again - no answer.

Sure enough..he didn't show up and didn't call or text on Saturday night..
So I thought.. whatevs. I've been stood up.

Then.. I spoke to him on Sunday.. and he tells me that he was sick all day Saturday.
And he did actually sound sick.

The thing is - do you think that I'm unreasonable for expecting that if he was sick, he might have at least had the courtesy to let me know this?
I don't think so...

Basically he apologised profusely, and I accepted it, even though the events had kinda put some doubts into my mind. Then there were a couple of days, where things seemed good again.. lots of sweet texts, and a couple of phone calls. He told me that he missed me a lot, and things were just like normal.

Then again.. the last two days.. basically NOTHING.
He'll send a text, and I reply.. then I get nothing for the rest of the day, no phone calls or anything.
I'm just really not sure what to think. When we first met, it was phone calls every day.. and texts throughout the day..
I don't know if he's lost interest, but .. then.. if he had.. surely he wouldn't bother at all?

It hasn't been that long, so I know that it's too early to really have that whole 'where do I stand?' talk with him. But truth be told, it's kinda grating on my nerves.
I don't really know, whether it's worth putting in the effort for someone who seemingly can just take or leave me whenever they please..

It sucks cause I really, really like him.

Eh. I have no idea.
Any input into the workings of the male mind would be greatly appreciated.

126.

2009-08-01T11:13:00.002+10:00

Oh boy have I been slack with blogging lately.
Things have been pretty busy, work is kinda crazy at the moment. Most of the time I come home at night and don't even bother to get online.
So, life is pretty sweet at the moment.
I'm not really sure what's brought it all on, but stuff at home is really good. Mum and Kristy and I have all been getting along pretty well, apart from the other two arguing but that's nothing new. I like it, for the first time in a long time I can relax at home, and I feel content.
I'm still losing weight. I'm 25 kilos lighter now which is fucking awesome. And for the first time in I don't even remember I can go into a shop and find something that fits me with no hassles. I love it. I have soo many cute clothes now and I'm super proud of myself.
I'm feeling a million more times confident than I did 6 months ago, and I really love who I am these days. I'm a much happier and bubbly young lady!

And... well. I may have kinda met someone. Still early days, we've been seeing each other for almost a month now. But.. so far so good! He's really quite amazing and lovely. I am pretty damn smitten.

In other news, I got inked again on Thursday night. It's whoa different to my other tiny little tattoo, and I'm still getting used to it.. but I really do love it. :)

Things are pretty fucking amazing right now.
I love it!

125.

2009-07-20T20:43:00.001+10:00

even though i know they're old.
i don't like seeing pictures of THEM. not one little bit.
i think i'm being unreasonable.
but i don't really care. :[

124.

2009-07-12T15:50:00.002+10:00

Dear Emma Jane,

Do NOT fuck this up. I repeat, do NOT fuck this up.
For once, ignore the insecure voices that are telling you to expect the worst, or that are waiting for everything to just go to pieces. They're pricks.
Do NOT freak out, just relax. And go with the flow. And remember that some things take time, and there is no need to rush anything.
This will make your life a lot easier I totally assure you.
One step at a time. RELAX!

123.

2009-07-05T22:12:00.002+10:00

I don't really like Sunday nights. They make me kinda sad and lonely. The weekends are good, Friday and Saturday nights it's usually friends, booze, or whatever. But Sunday night is always the dread night, of facing another week of work. And it's the night that I seem to crave company a lot.

So I drank a bit too much last night and I really should just not be allowed to use my mobile phone when I drink. I feel like quite an idiot. And I still have not heard from said person.
But that's nothing new lately.. I know that I should be understanding. I know that they are going through hell right now. But I feel like they are just pushing me away. Maybe it's kinda my own fault for getting hopeful about things being like they were once. But that's me, ever the eternal optimist.

This whole 'being the relaxed, and not full on or stressy' thing.. I'm not quite sure how it's working for me just yet. I wonder a little bit if I'm just squashing my real feelings or whether it's really how I am now.

I think too much...

121.

2009-06-28T20:52:00.001+10:00

i loved you.
and i should have said it.
but tell me, just what has it ever meant?

-jimmy eat world.

120.

2009-06-23T19:31:00.002+10:00

I have been thinking about something that I mentioned in a previous entry, about doing things for myself vs. worrying about this might affect someone else.
And I think that I've decided, the best thing to do is just go for what I want.
I can't keep holding myself back for the benefit of other people, and if that's what they want me to do then it just proves that they are more selfish than I am, for wanting to do this for myself.
I just can't keep living for other people, I need to be able to do things for myself, and I need to be in an environment where i'm not worrying all the time, or feeling uneasy, or not able to relax.
Nothing is set in stone yet, but. I'm just going to start thinking.

In other news.. YOU make me so happy.
And yes you know who you are. :]

119.

2009-06-23T00:00:00.003+10:00

I think that I feel a lot more at ease tonight.
Yet at the same time.. so not at ease.
It comes with the territory I suppose.. But I'm glad that we talked.
The unknown is a scary, scary thing. But I guess at the same time it's kinda beautiful.
All I know is that I have missed it all so much, and I know that it's one of the most ridiculous, confusing things ever. But.. since when has life been simple?
I'm happy at the moment. That's all that I really care about.

I miss the lips that made me fly.. -mayday parade

118.

2009-06-21T14:06:00.002+10:00

What would you do, if there was something that would make you a whole lot happier with your life.. but in doing that one thing, you could make things difficult for someone that you care about a lot.
Where do you draw the line, between caring about other people's happiness more than your own?
And is it completely selfish if you just disregard the feelings of that other person, to go for what you want?

117.

2009-06-20T11:51:00.002+10:00

Am I the only person left in the world who thinks that if you say you're going to be somewhere, and you end up not being able to make it, that you should at least have the courtesy to let the person know that you're not coming?

116.

2009-06-17T23:42:00.001+10:00

small cryptic entry.

just..
fuck.. i miss it, probably more than you know.

115.

2009-06-17T22:44:00.002+10:00

It's been a strange half a week this week. To start with.. today is my 24th birthday. Happy birthday to me!
This week, I kind of made a resolution to have a drama free week.. so far so good. It's been a little bit strange, because quite a few of my work friends finished up last friday. And to be honest.. I miss my little 'crew' .. it's going to be totally strange without the daily conversations on office messenger, and seeing them every day. Although they do say a change is as good as a holiday.. (i need a holiday).

Last week, was.. just .. I don't even know where to begin to explain it.
Except that.. when I make a mess of things - I certainly don't do it halfheartedly. Well it turns out that I didn't really make a mess of things.
Confusing much..
I can only think of how to explain it in a really cryptic way...
I pretty much just freaked out hardcore on someone.. in my usual insecure way. And I almost just gave up on them. I don't even know why. I just know that sometimes I get scared if everything isn't clear cut. The unknown can be really daunting for me, I guess just because it hasn't really ever worked in my favour.
I can be really quite silly at times..
I am just glad that I didn't totally fuck up. And I'm learning that the unknown isn't such a bad thing, as long as I just remember to relax and stop being a moron.

I'm really looking forward to Friday, catching up with some people I haven't seen for awhile, and just having all the people I adore together is going to be amazing, and just what I need.

114.

2009-06-10T20:33:00.002+10:00

Sometimes when you think things are really shitty.
Something amazing happens.
Or someone.

113.

2009-05-24T16:20:00.002+10:00

Last night I think I did one of the most stupid things that I've possibly ever done. It was about 1am and I decided to recharge my phone credit online. I typed in all the details, DOUBLE checked them, and then paid $100 with my credit card. It loaded, all done. So I check my phone - and nothing. I thought hmm.. a bit odd.. and then I glanced back at my laptop screen. That was when I realised, I'd put two of the digits in my number around the wrong way. Fail!
I recharged someone else's number with $100 of phone credit! And because it was 'my error' ... Optus refused to take it off theirs and put it onto mine.
Moral of the story is: don't try and recharge phone credit at 1am. Ughh!

112.

2009-05-23T15:49:00.002+10:00

So today I was on the bus, and I looked out the window.. and among all the dark clouds there was the prettiest rainbow. It made me smile so much, because I haven't seen a rainbow in ages. And I kinda thought it's pretty amazing that something so pretty can survive surrounded by a bunch of really dark horrible clouds.

Today I did what I usually do when I'm bummed out, and I went shopping.
Eh, I was kinda supposed to hang out with someone pretty special today.. but it got cancelled.. so I was kinda feeling a bit sorry for myself, as selfish as that is.
Btw..have you noticed that noone uses the word 'date' anymore.. just a random thought.. what is classed as a 'date' these days. To me it was like, two people who like each other a lot spending time together - but noone calls it a date anymore.. it's always just 'hanging out' or 'catching up' .. are we too scared to use the word date anymore because it's too.. i don't know.. pressure-ful or something? Hm.. who knows.
ANYWAY - my point was that .. yes.. after I realised I was now going to spend my Saturday alone, I decided that I needed retail therapy. Because that's my favourite way to cheer myself up, apart from listening to cheesy pop punk songs.
So off I went, and then it turns out that my favourite clothes store ever was having a sale. :D
I love when things like that happen.
I bought two super cute dresses and a cardi - all for under $80!
I'm feeling a little impulsive this weekend - so I've decided to do something a little bit different with my hair.. you'll see :]
I was going to clean today, but I think that at this point cleaning would just ruin my day. So I'm going to spend the rest of the afternoon lazing about, listening to music and being an internerd.

111.

2009-05-20T20:18:00.002+10:00

I'm in a bit of a reflective mood tonight, and I found these questions on google.. so here goes.

1. I've come to realize that my boobs...
are pretty nice, I guess.

2. I've come to realize that my job...
is probably one of the best things that ever happened to me. and it's helped me realise my potential quite a lot.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving...
i'm probably doing something illegal, since I don't have a licence yet.

4. I've come to realize that I need...
to stop giving myself a hard time, because I'm far harder on myself than anyone else is on me.

5. I've come to realize that I have lost...
people along the journey of life, but I have also gained some really awesome people too.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...
i'm wrong about something, that i was convinced i was right about.

7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk...
i'm probably going to say or do something really stupid.

8. I've come to realize that money...
is important. but it's not the be all and end all of life.

9. I've come to realize that people....
change - and that there is little that I can do to control that.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always be...
a hopeless romantic, and eternally hopeful. But that's just me.

11. I've come to realize that if I drunk dial people...
i'm usually going to say something that i will totally regret the next morning and have to apologise profusely for.

12. I've come to realize that my mom...
is a very wise lady.

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone is...
probably wayy too important to me. I feel kinda lost without it.

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...
that sometimes dreams are better than reality.

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep...
that i really do worry too much about the little things. still.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about...
him. and i wish i could just grow the balls to lay it all on the line.

17. I've come to realize that my Dad...
is not perfect.. but shit happens.

18. I've come to realize that when I get on MySpace...
i must be really, really bored. because i rarely use myspace.

19. I've come to realize that today...
is just another day.

20. I've come to realize that tonight...
i'm feeling a little bit emotional.

21.I've come to realize that tomorrow I will...
still be me. and that's okay.

22. I've come to realize that I really want to...
become a better person. and i think that i'm on my way to doing that. :]

23. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to read this will be...
anyone who takes the time to actually read my blog.

24. I've come to realize that life...
is always full of surprises. some are good and some are bad. but they all happen for some kind of reason. even if it doesn't seem that way at the time.

25. I've come to realize that this weekend...
could be very lovely.

26. I've realized the best music to listen to when I am upset...
is something happy and boppy. usually fall out boy, or new found glory totally does the trick. or sometimes it's better to listen to something emotional, so i can just let it all out.

27. I've come to realize that my friends...
are always there for me. if i just LET them be there for me.

28. I've come to realize that this year...
could be the greatest, or worst year of my life. I'll let you know. :]

110.

2009-05-17T19:29:00.002+10:00

There's one thing I really want to blog about right now. Except I can't, in case I've got it horribly, completely wrong. >.<
I'm scared I'm doing the whole typical me thing and reading the signals wrong and just overthinking it way too much. ARGH.
If there are some types of God's out there - PLEASE - for just this ONE time..can I have got it right? Pwease?

109.

2009-05-15T00:07:00.004+10:00

Everyone always tells me how much they love my little 'train stories' that are told through facebook statuses, or twitter. So tonight I thought I'd talk about the things that piss me off the most on public transport.
For those of you who don't know - my job is in the city. And it's about an hour and a bit train trip each way so I spend about 2.5 - 3 hours of my day on either a bus or a train.
I've been doing this for almost 2 years now so I'm pretty used to it, but there are just some things that still piss me off enough to want to actually hurt someone.

1. People who talk loudly on their mobile phones:
okay, I may have been guilty of this a few times - although I am very softly spoken and I will usually cut the person off and get them to call me back later. Because seriously, noone needs to hear about what you ate for dinner last night, who you shacked up with on the weekend, or what you want to do to your girlfriend when you get home.

2. Serial Fidgeters:
usually the train gets pretty packed during peak hour, and you're guaranteed to have someone right next to you. So there's nothing worse than when they start getting fidgety as fuck. SIT STILL. And please try not to elbow me in the boob.

3. Girls Putting Their Makeup On, While On The Train:
it just shits me. I sat on the train one morning and watched a girl spend no less than about 35 minutes putting her face on. It was almost like watching an extreme makeover happen before my eyes. Fug to Hot in 35 mins.
Honestly ladies - either put it on before you leave the house - or wait until you're off the train. This also extends to filing your nails on the train. The sound is horrible. Just don't!

4. People Who Play Their Obnoxious Music Through The Speaker of Their Phone:
pretty self explanatory this one. Usually idiotic bogans who are the most guilty of this crime. Hey guys - a hot tip for you. Noone wants to hear your shithouse gangster rap at 7am in the morning so just piss off :]

5. Inappropriate Behaviour:
now with this one I think I may need to elaborate. Here's a little hint of things that are NOT appropriate on public transport.
- dry humping your other half or talking dirty to them in a loud voice.
- cutting your fingernails and leaving the clippings on the floor of the carriage.
- squeezing zits on the back of your boyfriend's neck.
- watching porn on your laptop.
- spitting on the train floor.
- running through the carriage like an elephant.
- taking pictures of girls on your mobile phone like a dirty pervert.
and YES i have experienced all of these things. Some people really have no shame. Oh and PLEASE if you have children - don't take them on the train if they're likely to throw screaming tantrums that last an hour.

I swear I'm not a grumpy commuter. Not even a little bit. :]

108.

2009-05-03T21:36:00.001+10:00

Today was amazing. I went out for a bit of a shopping trip with mum. And discovered that not only have i now dropped THREE pants sizes, but I can also wear slinky little dresses and not look disgusting.
I am loving life at the moment. I'm really proud of myself :D

107.

2009-04-30T08:08:00.002+10:00

People like this make me glad that I'm single..

07:58 sydney_guy20: hey

07:59 emma-jane: hey

07:59 sydney_guy20: hows u?

07:59 emma-jane: not too bad and you?

07:59 sydney_guy20: yea not bad.. r u single?

07:59 emma-jane: did you read my profile?

07:59 sydney_guy20: nope

08:00 emma-jane: didn't think so.
08:00 emma-jane: noone does on here.
08:00 emma-jane: yes i'm single.

08:00 sydney_guy20: nah its pointless

08:00 emma-jane: why is it pointless?

08:00 sydney_guy20: wats the point in reading up about sum1
08:00 sydney_guy20: then u dnt have nething 2 talk about

08:01 emma-jane: lol. well maybe if you lack social skills you'd have nothing to talk about. there's like so many freaking topics of conversation you can have.. i think reading profiles is better, you can see if you'd even have something in common with the person

08:02 sydney_guy20: lol well im not gunna have nething in common with a stupid b i t c h like you hahaha

08:02 emma-jane: haha. having an opinion makes me a bitch?
08:03 emma-jane: wow.. that's.. just wow. proves my point though doesn't it. :]

106.

2009-04-26T17:37:00.005+10:00

"No matter how chaotic or hopeless it may seem, given care, respect and safety, the human spirit will in time return to its natural tendency for harmony and increasingly more beautiful expressions of the Self.."
- Sheila Wood.

I found this quote online, and I think that it makes a lot of sense to me. And although this might sound stupid..it gave me hope. Maybe I just need to start taking more care of myself. In a lot of ways, before I can expect anything to change.

105.

2009-04-22T16:57:00.002+10:00

I'm sitting here all rugged up at the moment writing this. I have the virus from hell. Woke up this morning and could barely speak at all. Yuck!
I got a flu shot at work a couple of weeks ago, i thought it was supposed to stop me from getting sick. Yet here I am!
My head feels kinda like it might explode. Yuck.Yuck.Yuck.
I went to the doctors earlier, and there was already someone in with the doctor while I was in the waiting room. So I was just sitting there, and this guy around my age walks out - very cute. Then the doctor comes out after him and goes 'so yeah, blahblah medication should help with the diarrhea'. The poor guy looked absolutely mortified. Hahaha.
Anyway, that's about it for me today. I've got tomorrow off too, I plan to completely rest up. Peeejay Day. Ftw. :]

104.

2009-04-21T17:33:00.003+10:00

Have you ever noticed that slogan t-shirts are pretty much the worst form of false advertising ever?
Just a thought I randomly had, after seeing a guy on the train this morning wearing a shirt that said 'Failure Is Not An Option'.
It made me think, that usually the girls who wear slogan shirts saying something like, Hot Chick, or Princess, or whatever the fuck those slogan shirts say.. are anything but.
So it made me wonder if that guy went through life continually failing, just as a result of wearing that t-shirt.
Oh yes, it's deep thinking from me on a Tuesday afternoon.

103.

2009-04-20T22:26:00.004+10:00

So apparently I epic fail at posting to blogger from my new mobile phone. I cut off half of the last post, and it fucked up my little number order I have going here. I think i'll leave it there though haha.
Yeah, i guess there isn't too much to update as of late. Things are just kinda plodding along, nothing spectacular.
I got my $900 from Ruddy, which was pretty lovely. I bought myself a new phone obviously, and then went a little bit shoe crazy.
There's only a couple of months until my birthday now, the big 24!
I really want to make sure I celebrate it this year, since I kinda missed out last year with the whole wisdom teeth thing.
I'm thinking, party it up in the city, hire a hotel room so i don't need to worry about getting home.
Thoughts??

102.

2009-04-18T14:42:00.003+10:00

well. this is so super rad. i am writing this post from my brand new mobile phone! y

EDIT: so i changed the number of the post so it didn't screw up my number system xD

101.

2009-04-07T17:26:00.002+10:00

So there is this guy that I work with, whose name is Dean.
He just complimented me and it made me smile like this :D
DF is cool.
(happy now muwahah)

100.

2009-03-31T23:11:00.003+11:00

Well. I can't believe that I've actually written 100 posts in this little blog of mine. And I apologise for leaving it so long between entries. The last month or so has been quite challenging for me. I guess I had what you can call a bit of a 'Britney' moment - minus the head shaving and umbrella attacking.
I think it was a long time coming, something really had to give.
I finally realised that something had to change instead of just talking about changing. I want to be the person I used to be. Without all this doubt, and unhappiness. I've started seeing someone to talk all my stuff out, which is really helping me so far, and I'm not ashamed of it.
I'm coming leaps and bounds in the month I've been seeing her, and things can only get better.
I've decided to stop letting what other people think of me rule my life, I've been doing it for way too long. And it has held me back from a lot of things, and experiences. I've decided to stop pushing people away, because it's cost me too many friendships. And I've decided to stop the fear of not being good enough preventing me from doing things that I want to do.

I have been thinking a lot about what I wrote in my last entry, the 6 billion people thing. And gosh it's so true.

I can't keep making excuses, and then complain that things are shitty.
I can't keep depending on someone else to fix me. I need to take responsibility and grow up. And I will.

Tilly told me that I should make a list of things that I want to do, and work on ticking them off one by one. So I figured I would make the list in my blog so that I always have a copy to look at and remind me.
So here is my list:

♥ take japanese classes.
♥ move out of home.
♥ get my license.
♥ keep being motivated to work out, and lose weight.
♥ try to reconnect with people and friendships that have lapsed.
♥ take up photography again.
♥ realise that its okay to fuck up.
♥ stop being so critical of myself.
♥ start writing, apart from my blog.
♥ push myself out of my comfort zone.
♥ make time for me, to do whatever i want.
♥ realise that i can't fix everyone's problems for them, and I shouldn't have to.
♥ see more of dad.
♥ tell people how i feel.
♥ stop letting fear own me, and live my life.
♥ go to japan.

That's just a start, and I know that not all of them are things that I can do right away, but it helps to write them down.
I feel at the moment, like a little caterpillar who has been wrapped in a safe cocoon for such a long time. And I'm finally ready to break free and become a butterfly. It's scary, but it feels good.

99.

2009-03-08T21:35:00.002+11:00

Why I Hate Living In Western Sydney. Reason #34895798794.

So the other night I was on the train home from work, it wasn't overly late around 8pm-ish. And the train was reasonably full. I was sitting in a three seater with a lady next to me, listening to my ipod, looking out the window.
The train stops and this creepy looking guy gets on. He sat in another seat across the other side, then gets up and moves to the empty seat in front of me. I was thinking, ugh I hope he doesn't try talking to me. Then the guy full on turns around in his seat, facing me. Gets out his mobile phone and starts pointing it at me taking pictures. I said to him, "what the fuck are you doing?" .. and he goes "ohoh i'm sending a message" .. and at this point a few people were looking. A guy in the seat in front of him, turns around and motioned to me that he was actually taking pictures. So I try and cover the guys phone, and said to him "do you wanna fucking stop taking pictures of me?" .. and he just kept going!
I ended up just getting up and moving carriages, should have reported the prick to the train guards. But ugh, it was soooo creepy!
Maybe my face and cleavage will be making an internet debut soon. Haha.

Anyway in other news, nothing too exciting really.
I went to Mardi Gras last night with my friend and his boyfriend. It was pretty freaking amazing. Such an awesome experience.

I've come to realise the last couple of weeks that a lot of people I previously considered to be friends, aren't really true friends at all.
It really did upset me a lot, but then something that someone said today made me think.
He told me there are 6 million people in the world, and most people are lucky to have 6 people they can fully and totally trust and consider good friends. And I think it's really kinda true. It's the real and true friends who matter the most to me, everyone else who wants to hurt me, fuck me over, judge me or generally be cunts... well they can just fuck off.
Because I know that I don't deserve that kind of thing in my life.

I can't believe I have 99 entries in this little blog now, it's pretty awesome.
Overall I'm happy at the moment, things are looking up in a few small ways. :)

98.

2009-02-21T19:20:00.001+11:00

I hate it when people disappoint you.

Why is it, that I always seem to value people way more than they value me?

97.

2009-02-19T00:18:00.002+11:00

I feel pretty happy and content tonight.
No real reason, I think that I've just stopped being a sooky and realised how awesome things are at the moment!
I'm going to get inked again next month, one of my long time online friends is going to have a stall at a tattoo and body mod expo in Sydney, and he's going to design it up for me, and quote me and book me in to do it for me. I'm really super excited, because ever since I had my first tattoo I've been itching to get another one.
I'm also really excited for Sunday, I'm going to a music festival and there are soo many of my favourite bands playing there. I'm going with Mr Ben, which will be also rad, because I haven't seen him in awhile.
Plus there will be a lot of old friends I haven't seen in a bit going, so hopefully I can catch up with a few people on the day.

I think that I've finally and FULLY come to terms with the fact that I like being single. AT LAST! I mean if I meet someone awesome then that's great. But at the moment I'm really enjoying just getting out there and making awesome new friends.
Things can only get better from this point on, I'm already feeling way more confident in myself as a person and it's just great.

Everything is going swimmingly :D

Now that I have my laptop there is really no excuse for me to get slack with this blog, I really want to try and post more. I like this little record of my life.
Ahh I'm soo anxiously awaiting the weekend, hehe just want this week to be over already so the fun can begin.
I think I'm going to go shopping on Saturday, because I sorta realised I don't have anything to wear on Sunday.
Yes, I'm such the typical female, going shopping to buy a specific outfit for a music festival. A little bit silly...maybe. A lot Emmz.. very much so. :]

96.

2009-02-14T11:25:00.001+11:00

Crappy Valentine's Day guys!
I loathe Valentine's Day with a passion. So I thought I would write a little blog about why it's better to be single on Valentine's Day.

- You don't need to spend ridiculous amounts of money on pointless flowers or chocolates or stupid little 'I Love You' teddy bears.

- You don't have to spend hours looking for a card which sums up 'just' how you feel.

- You can spend the day doing what you want, instead of having to go watch some shitty action movie because that's what your partner wants to do.

- You don't have to pretend to like the cheap arse chocolates they bought you from 7 Eleven because they 'forgot' it was Valentine's Day.

- You don't have to read a pukeworthy Valentine's card and pretend you think it's the sweetest thing ever.

- You're not obligated to indulge your partners every sexual whim, because it's meant to be a 'romantic' day.

- You can do whatever the hell you want! Instead of being part of one of those disgusting couples who waltz around making out in public because you're SO in love.

Cynical? Maybe I am.
I'm going to cook myself a candlelight dinner tonight, buy myself some roses and a box of chocolates. And spend the evening trying to seduce myself. Haha. ;]

94.

2009-02-12T19:39:00.004+11:00

So I'm pretty damn proud of myself at the moment.
I went to the doctor about my stupid eye the other day, to get it checked out and he did some other kinda routine checks. One of which including weighing me. Now usually I am completely opposed to standing on a scales because quite frankly I find it depressing.
But when I started my job back in June 07, we had to have a medical exam done and get weighed etc.
So yeah, the doctor weighed me on Monday. And it turns out that I've actually lost 14 kilos since the last time I was weighed.
So in around eighteen months - the first part of which I wasn't trying to lose weight. I have dropped 14 kilos.
I'm pretty damn stoked about that. I'm trying to get healthy at the moment and make some changes to my life so it really gave me a boost of confidence. Which I really needed. :D

The whole men situation. Ah. I don't even know where to start. Haha.
I think for some unknown reason I have a tendency to fall for people who I know aren't going to be right for me or who aren't going to want the same things I do. I don't really know why, apart from the fact maybe I just don't wanna be tied down.

I had a long talk with a friend of mine the other day, and I kind of realised that I have been building up this idea in my head that I need to be with someone to be completely happy. I thought I had gotten over that but it's still there a little bit. I'm working on it. I don't wanna rely on some guy to make me happy and make me feel confident.

Mum's operation went really well, she will be sore and not be able to do certain things for awhile but it was a positive result. So I'm really happy about that.

I've got my laptop up and running finally. So now that I can blog from the privacy of my bedroom, you might at last see some more frequent updates from me.

94.

2009-02-12T19:39:00.000+11:00

93.

2009-02-07T20:44:00.003+11:00

This is my latest online purchase, in preparation for winter.

I think it's something a little different that will jazz up a little black dress!

is it just me who HATES those shoes btw? Hehe.

up close shot of the actual print :D

I love.love.love them!

92.

2009-02-01T15:01:00.002+11:00

i can't ever turn this brain of mine off.
this weekend has just been so fucked up and weird and shit.
i don't really know what to say. people have been going mental over me being single now. it's amazing how much chaos changing a relationship status on facebook can cause.
non stop texts and phone calls. asking me what happened.
because i don't really think anyone saw it coming.
i'm pretty wary about writing shit on here about these kinds of things because i know that a lot of people read this blog and it's caused drama in the past with me being honest about feelings.
at times it's made me wonder if i'm too honest on here.
it just wasn't working for me. i can't explain it. things were kinda shit the last few weeks and i know maybe i was to blame for some of it. but i just stopped feeling that excited feeling about things. and something just clicked in me. and i knew it wasn't right. i knew i had to do something about it. i'm not saying that it was easy. but i have done it too many times before. and i don't want to go back there and stay in a relationship that isn't the best it can be.
that's all i guess.
maybe i do have a 'cookie cutter' idea of what a relationship should be like.
but what's wrong with that? why should i settle for something that isn't everything i want it to be? nobody should do that. and if a relationship isn't fitting into your idea of what a good relationship is.. then surely that means something?
i really don't think i'm an overly demanding person. in fact, i know i'm not.
so why should i deny myself of the chance of having the 'perfect' relationship. and i know not everything is perfect.. but i'm talking about that kind of imperfect perfection.

last night really scared me. i had a friend of mine, really upset and was talking about how they wanted to die. it was really not good. i stayed up so late, until the early hours of this morning just trying to talk to them and make them realise it wasn't a good option.
then they fell asleep, only i didn't know they'd fallen asleep. and it scared the fuck out of me.
everything is alright now, but it was horrible.
i wish that you could make someone see how amazing they are when they don't realise it. and i wish that you could make them see that they're just everything. and that other people are just idiots if they can't see that.
i wish that life wasn't so cruel sometimes, and that good people didn't hurt so much.
while shitty people get everything handed to them.

despite all of this. i will be okay.
it's just been a really bad and shitty and emotional weekend for me.
but don't worry about me.
i'm emma jane.
i will bounce back, and everything will be just fine.

91.

2009-01-31T23:06:00.001+11:00

haha. this is why i love my friends so much.

~Mark~ says:
whats wrong with your eye Emmz?
emma jane - swing swing swing from the tangles of my heart.. says:
i think i've got conjunctivitis.
~Mark~ says:
yummy
~Mark~ says:
you really know how to get a guys blood flowing you know that? hehe
emma jane - swing swing swing from the tangles of my heart.. says:
haha i know. you totally wanna do me right now don't you. lmao.
~Mark~ says:
oh yea, do me Miss Conjunctivitis

oh.
and.
i'm single again.
-shrugs-

90.

2009-01-26T15:42:00.002+11:00

fucking hell. it is hot.
the thing i hate most about when it is hot, is that i get gross heat headaches. and it makes me totally cranky. like crankier than cranky.
i think danny and i sorted our shit out, well i hope so anyway.
just waiting for him to get here now :]
i have weight watchers strawberry mousse. it's so good.
happy australia day kids!

89.

2009-01-24T14:54:00.002+11:00

I can't believe that January is nearly over already! Where does the time go honestly..
I haven't updated in a couple of weeks, because I haven't been coming online that much. So I think that I owe you all an update.
Like I think I have said many a time before, this blog is just basically me musing about my thoughts, feelings and all that jazz. If people get offended by it, then too bad. I can't help how I feel and I won't censor it just so that people don't get pissy. :)
Life hasn't been all that exciting lately, I've been mainly hanging out with the boyfriend (not that I'm saying it's not exciting but yeah) .. and lazing about on my weekends. Work is kind of insane busy at the moment for some weird reason so by the time the weekend rolls around I'm exhausted.

Things with the boy are going well, we had a bit of a tiff during the week and it kind of weirded me out a little bit, just because I was thinking.. is it too early for a tiff or.. i don't know. I'm so totally hopeless with all this relationship shit.. and I think it's still taking me awhile to get used to it all.
And he kinda asked me for a favour today, a big one, but I said no. Just because it made me think of past things that have happened with my other relationships and I saw it going in a similar pattern to those past ones. And I don't want it to be like that. Do you think that it's selfish that I said no, and thought of only myself? Hmm. I don't know.

Danny totally told off this preachy Christian woman when we were out shopping today. It was the funniest thing I've seen in ages. I'm way too nice for my own good, so I was letting her rant..
She was like "do you believe in god, have you thought about where you'll go when you die?"
Then he just cut in and said "excuse me, but are you right? It's a Saturday, we're trying to enjoy ourselves and you're talking about death?... bye"
Bahah.

I'm looking forward to a good night out tonight, and getting drunkieface. It's been awhile and I need to cut loose!

88.

2009-01-04T17:20:00.001+11:00

I am so fucking in love.

:D

87.

2008-12-31T10:03:00.003+11:00

Okay, so I just sat here and wrote out this super long post reflecting on my year. And then my internet fucked up and deleted the whole thing.

That would be a good indication on how 2008 was for me. Full of ups and downs, things fucking up at totally the wrong time, and just general chaos for a whole lot of the year.

I decided that I'm not going to make any 'new years' resolutions this year. I'm going to make some life resolutions. Because why should I have to wait for new years to make resolutions about what I want to change or improve about my life and myself.

2008 was a strange year for me. But it taught me a lot about myself, and what I am capable of.

It was my year of being single, and playing the field. Getting my heart broken a million times, swearing off men, and getting myself into a lot of awkward situations.

It was the year I nearly quit my job, after I was moved to a temporary new position and totally hated it. It was the year, when things got so bad that a few times I considered running away and not coming back. It was the year that I decided that I wasn't going to let people walk all over me anymore, and when I started to stand up for myself. And it was the year that I realised that I'm not perfect, and I never will be - but that it was okay and that I would be alright.

I realised that I'm way too hard on myself sometimes, but that's a good thing I think. Because I didn't just settle for things that were just okay.

In 2008 I lost some friends, old friends. I know that we still talk, but I'm pretty sure that the bond we had isn't there anymore. And that's okay. Because that's life. People change, people grow up, and some people don't grow up.

I made new friends, who are some of the greatest people ever. I had so many fun times hanging out with these kids, and I wouldn't trade them for the world.
You guys know who you are :)

I got my first tattoo, I developed my own little style. I discovered so many new amazing bands.

I realised that some things never change.

And I found someone who is just completely amazing. Someone who I've totally enjoyed getting to know over the last month or so. And I started to feel things that I thought were locked away in a little box somewhere deep inside me. I started to trust again. And I started to.. well.. yes. :D

I'm glad that 2008 happened, it was the year that taught me so much about life, and about myself as a person. And I think it was the year that I finally started to become the woman I am meant to be. I am Emma Jane.. and it's okay to be Emma Jane.

I can't wait to see what 2009 brings for me.
Happy New Year's Eve everyone, and keep reading!
I love you all.

xox

86.

2008-12-28T13:38:00.002+11:00

So I'm really starting to get over certain people and the way that they act. I don't really care if this causes drama because I'm just over it. I'm pretty sick of stuff that I buy getting taken, selfishly for someone elses benefit. And yup, not going to stand for it anymore. People should learn to live within their means and if they can't afford to buy things maybe they should get off their arse and do something, get a job, earn money somehow. Because I am not an ATM. And I don't work hard to support someone else's partying habit.

That aside, I have had a lovely last few days hanging out with the boyfriend. :)
It's all still very new, but I totally like where it's going, and I'm reeeally super happy. I haven't felt like this in a long time and I like it.

I have to work the day after tomorrow, but I'm so enjoying this little break from work. I think I really needed it. I've done a bit of shopping (nothing unusual there!) and I've got a season of Skins to watch, and books to read and pretty clothes to wear!

Why can't Christmas last forever? :)

85.

2008-12-25T19:39:00.002+11:00

So, it's Christmas!
Happy Holidays to all my faithful readers. I have a few days off work over the silly season, so hopefully it will give me time to do a few updates.
So some news, first of all.. is that you might not get as many whiny entries anymore because I am now seeing someone :)
He is lovely, and just super duper adorable and sweet.
Which kinda brings me to the point of this entry.. Christmas dilemmas.
So like, this thing with the boy is fairly new.. very new.. so me being me, figured that we wouldn't do the whole Christmas present thing, even though he was coming over on Christmas Eve.
So he gets here, and we are just hanging out in my room, and he pulls out a box and tells me that he has a present for me. I open it, and there is the most gorgeous little gold necklace, with a white gold/gold heart pendant with a tiny little diamond in it. Absolutely pretty!
And of course, I start thinking.. Oh shit.. I didn't buy him a present.
One of my male friends tells me that I am the worst girlfriend ever, and that I should have bought the obligatory present since he was coming over on Christmas Eve.
And my MUM even bought him something.. argh.
Now it's too late to get him anything, because it will look as if I just bought it out of guilt. Haha. But ahh I feel bad, cause this boy is amazing and I really should have just got him something small, or at least made him something cute.
Oh dear. :)

84.

2008-12-15T18:22:00.004+11:00

Now once again, I am really no fashionista, and my opinions of what is 'fashionable' probably varies greatly from other people's opinions. But I just couldn't help it, now that summer is upon us I feel the need to rant about two summer trends that I just can't stand!

The first is... THESE:

What the fuck. Gladiator sandals are supposed to be like.. so hawt right now. Who in their right mind would go out in public wearing these? I just don't see the point in them, they are not sexy, unless you live back in the times of ancient rome, and are going to slay some lions in the colosseum. They're horrible shoe abominations.

The second thing I want to rant about is fake tan. I know that being tan is supposed to be uber attractive and all that jazz, but mm i don't really see what all the fuss is about. I'm kinda fair skinned naturally but I've never really felt the need to get spray tanned or roast myself in the solarium. There are some people who can do the whole spray tan thing and look stunning, but seriously.. most of the time girls end up looking like this:

Now boys, you seriously can't tell me that you find THAT attractive?? She looks like a female oompa loompa. Scary stuff!

That's my little rant for the moment, I still have issues with girls who can't walk in high heels.. but I won't start on that right now. :)

83.

2008-12-14T17:50:00.001+11:00

Smitten. Completely smitten.

:)

82.

2008-12-06T22:40:00.002+11:00

train rides, Newtown, movies, chicken foccacia, icecream, talks in the park, comparing ipods, cuteness and holding hands equals the best day that i've had in a very long time. :)

81.

2008-11-29T12:45:00.002+11:00

I can't believe it really.
Why the fuck would he go and tell her, when he KNOWS that it's going to cause drama.
I'm just waiting for the phone calls now from her and the boyfriend having a dig at me and trying to tell me what to do again.
I'm so over people who treat me like a child, I am old enough to take care of myself and make my own decisions, even if they were the worst decisions ever.

80.

2008-11-24T18:38:00.002+11:00

I'll tell you a secret...
I miss having a boyfriend to cuddle....

79.

2008-11-24T18:35:00.002+11:00

So i think i have found the most amazing website/web application ever.
It's called stumbleupon... And it's amazing.
:D

78.

2008-11-23T19:36:00.003+11:00

Well it's been a little while since I updated so I thought it was time that I sat down and wrote an entry. The last few weeks have been pretty hectic with work, I feel kinda like all I've done is work, sleep, work. And the weekends just go way too quickly for my liking! I've been a bit of a homebody lately, I just haven't really felt like going out and getting off my face like everyone seems to do these days. But last weekend was kinda nice, apart from certain.. er.. mishaps haha.
I had a nice night with some of my friends from work, but Sunday was kinda my favourite part. It was lovely sitting out on the balcony having breakfast with Dean, having awesome coffees and a huge deep and meaningful. it was really nice :)

I'm really over certain situations and people at the moment. I'm just sick of people who lack any kind of motivation, and do nothing but bludge of other people and generally just cause drama. I've been feeling angry rages in the last week, so I think I'm going to be due for an outburst soon haha just beware. I just have a lack of patience for annoying people at the moment.

Also another thing that's frustrating me are friends. And this might sound really hypocritical because I know for a fact I have done this in the past.. but I can't stand it when people ditch you as soon as they're with someone. It totally sucks. Whatever happened to being able to spend time with a friend on your own, I don't wanna feel like the third wheel all the time.
I know that I was like this in my first relationship, but in my defence i was very young! And I'm sorry to all the people who probably felt like I do now.

I'm still pushing on, trying to ignore the whole relationship issue that I seem to have, so yeah.. new friends are good for me at the moment.. I'm not going to focus on anything more than that.

Nikki's 21st next weekend, i totally can't wait. It will be nice to let my hair down and have an awesome time!

77.

2008-11-17T23:58:00.002+11:00

Tonight. I love Telstra broadband. 140kb per second.
Yewwww!
I have a silly little feeling that today is going to be a really good week. I don't know why, and nothing overly great has happened. But even thought I'm cranky and hormonal, I've got a little smile going on.. And I just feel happy and content and lovely. :)

76.

2008-11-16T20:49:00.009+11:00

So.. I know that I said that I was going to try not to do any shopping this weekend. But I couldn't help it. I just bought these from Etsy (http://www.etsy.com/)

Just a simple black bow - but totally gorgeous!

Gorgeous little skull pendant

Tiny little skull bow. Oh how I love skulls!

Another black bow with a cute little heart in the middle.

Something a little bit different, but I think it will look stunning with a little black dress!

Sweet little pink bow necklace!

Oh gosh how I love accessories!

75.

2008-11-12T22:38:00.003+11:00

At times like this I wish I had a best, best female friend.
Someone who I could talk to about this, and who wouldn't pass judgement.. just be there for me.
I hate the fact I can't talk to anyone about this.
But that's how it's going to be.
I know that it will all be alright, I guess I just miss having someone unconditionally there for me at times like this.

74.

2008-11-11T22:28:00.002+11:00

Times like these help me to realise who my true friends are.

I don't know if you even read this.

But.

Thankyou, for listening to me rant and ramble, and putting my mind at ease.

:)

73.

2008-11-10T23:10:00.001+11:00

Fuck I am an idiot.

That is all.

:(

72.

2008-11-10T15:19:00.003+11:00

Some people really just annoy the fuck out of me.

Seriously.

What is the point of sending an email saying simply 'Ok'
Ugh.

I have so much I need to vent on this subject of this particular person. But I will leave it for another time. :)

71.

2008-11-06T23:33:00.002+11:00

Sometimes I wonder why I still live in the Western Suburbs...
Tonight I went out for coffee after work, and ended up getting back to my train station at around a quarter to ten.
There was some feral bogan guy at the station, absolutely wasted.
Who then felt the need to leer at me "ohhh look at her tits maaaayte"
Then he proceeded to ask me if I wanted to suck his dick.
Ugh.

What have I learnt tonight?
Don't go out after working the late shift.. and if I do.. catch a cab all the way home!

70.

2008-11-04T22:34:00.002+11:00

This is why joining internet dating sites is a bad idea:
(and YES this is actually a real conversation, well one sided conversation since I was ignoring him)

21:52 Internet Moron**: can i tell why im on this site
21:53 Internet Moron: coz think that i could find some to care about
21:54 Internet Moron: even love
21:55 Internet Moron: what do think
21:59 Internet Moron: i have never had love a part from mum & dad
22:00 Internet Moron: i would like know what u think my next move should be
22:02 Internet Moron: im will'ing to give all a have for the one i love
22:03 Internet Moron: that;s all i have 2 say
22:06 Internet Moron: What do you thnk.
22:09 Internet Moron: pealse give me some thing im lost
22:11 Internet Moron: i have never bwwn kissed
22:11 Internet Moron: Please help me
22:19 Internet Moron: The last thing i ask from you as a mat'e nothing more if i care with my hart what do i need to do to care for some one.. please give me some thig please dont piss me two the wind coz we are Friends please i just would some ome two to love
22:26 Internet Moron: he know i said a lot put colt you say so know you ant gave the cold shoulder please hjust say hi and we chat abuot anything
22:27 Internet Moron: Fuck it i just WANNA KNOW YOU

** real 'user name' has been changed, because I'm not a bitch. Lol.

Enough said...

69.

2008-11-01T14:34:00.002+11:00

Ten reasons why I think Shopping is better than Sex: (in no particular order)

1. You know that you're guaranteed to go home satisfied.
2. When you buy clothes, the only ego you need to stroke is your own.
3. You can 'try before you buy'
4. If you try something and decide you don't like it, you don't need to make excuses for why you don't want to take it home anymore.
5. Usually the tag/label/packaging tells you exactly what you're going to get so there are no nasty surprises.
6. You don't have to make awkward conversation with your purchased items the morning after you take them home.
7. You don't ever regret a bad shopping experience.
8. A long, marathon shopping trip is far better exercise, therefore it is good for your health.
9. Shopping never makes you feel inadequate.
10. It's far easier to find somewhere to shop, than it is to find a good shag.

Enjoy.
:)

68.

2008-10-29T22:08:00.002+11:00

Sometimes I wonder what exactly it is that makes us naturally seek out companionship.
I suppose it's part of being human, and that we as humans have nurturing instincts that make us crave that closeness and intimacy that comes from being 'partnered up'.
I think that sometimes I think too much about all this stuff.
I think that altogether I think too much!

As usual I have been neglecting my poor little blog. I think I've gotten myself into a routine lately and I don't particularly like it. Life feels somewhat mediocre at the moment, and I feel like I'm just settling. Not that there is anything wrong with being settled I guess, but I have always kind of been the person who naturally searches for more, more than the standard, more than just.. okay.

I'm finding myself craving ... well.. I don't particularly know.. but just .. something!
Maybe it's a good thing that I don't just want to settle, and that I do long for something more for myself. And don't get me wrong, because it isn't that I'm not happy.
I'm just.. content.. and being content scares me slightly. I want to be challenged, and I want to feel things, experience everything..
Thinking about all this has kind of made me think about my disasterous love life..
Maybe I need to just learn to be content, before I can go after anything else. Because seeking out things that I may not be ready for hasn't worked so well for me so far. And has led to me making terrible decisions, and being hurt a lot.

I'm so deep it hurts :P

So..
I think I am becoming addicted to online shopping. Which scares me. Haha.
I am already terrible enough with my addiction to normal shopping, now that I have discovered I can find unique one of a kind things online.. I don't think there is a hope in hell for me, or for my savings account and credit card.

Also. I love blue cordial.

And. I think that someone needs to take me on a date. A proper date.
I will be taking applications, so don't all line up at once :P Haha.

67.

2008-10-08T19:56:00.002+11:00

I know it's been awhile since my last update, things have just been kinda crazy and I spent a lot of weeks not really coming online.
As usual nothing is ever simple in my life. I don't even know where to start.. but I'm sure that those of you who read my blog still are becoming quite used to my tales of woe and heartache.
I know its completely boring and shit, but it always seems to happen to me.
Some of my friends have told me that maybe I am too focused on finding someone and I need to relax, but I don't think that's the case. I have been single for a year now and I enjoy being single. It's just that everytime I kinda connect with someone, and think.. maybe being Little Miss Single isn't that great, I seem to get my heart wrenched out.
I'm hurt because I feel stupid, because there were certain things over the time we spent together that made me think.. certain moments where I was so damn happy.
And then for him to tell me there wasn't a spark.. it made me second guess myself.
Like maybe I saw things that weren't there.. or maybe I was just a dumb girl with a crush who was too stupid to see the hints that his heart wasn't in it.
But I honestly believed that there was something there.
This one stings particularly hard, because I really really opened up.
I have opened up with other people but not quite so much as this time.
I've learnt my lesson I think. and I know that you have all heard it before.
but. this time. no more.
I'm just not willing to put myself through it anymore, the disappointment and feeling like I'm not good enough.
I know that he said it wasn't anything to do with me, and I've tried to be all cool and I do know where he is coming from in a way because maybe I'm not really ready either.
Ahh god.. it's all so confusing.
Anyways. Who knows what the future holds. Overall I guess that I'm hurt but I don't want to lose him as my close friend, which above all the other shit is what we are. I know I'll be okay its just kinda still stinging a bit.
I think that retail therapy is in order this Saturday.
Most definitely.
:]

66.

2008-09-07T19:40:00.002+10:00

Well it's been awhile since I have posted in my blog so I think this entry is long overdue!
There has been so much going on lately, that I haven't really taken the time to sit down and write.

To start off with I just wanted to say thankyou.
I have been really quite sick over the last two months, and kinda dropped off the map a bit. I just wanted to say thankyou to the people who have proven themselves to be my true friends. The people who texted me to make sure I was okay when they didn't hear from me for a little while, the people who took me out to concerts and stuff to cheer me up, the people who bugged me via facebook and msn and made me smile. To the people who proved that they really did care, and the ones who actually noticed I was not myself, and that they hadn't been hearing from me much. Thankyou guys, you're the bestest.

In other news, I have gone back downstairs to my old kinda role at work which is awesome. I am much happier down there and I'm doing what I was doing before plus a little bit of extra work so it breaks up my day and I'm totally loving it. This past week was like my first full week back at work since about halfway through July so it's great to feel like a normal person again. :]

I just wanted to also make a little mention of a person who has been making me incredibly happy for the last month or so. You know who you are. You're amazing, and one of the most genuine people I've ever met. I'm so glad that I have you around, and you've really been just what I needed the last month or so, and i think you'll keep being what I need because we just.. get each other. I'm sooo looking forward to a few weeks time. It's going to be amazing.

Anyway that's about all from me for now. I promise I'll update more frequently from now on. Now that I'm all better I'll have lots to blog about. :]

65.

2008-07-29T16:51:00.008+10:00

The last while I seem to have been finding more and more that the way I feel about the whole situation can be reflected through songs that I love. I guess maybe because I'm such a music lover, and appreciate different writing styles I am able to really relate to song lyrics in a pretty powerful way. Anyway this song really does sum up how I exactly feel right now.

What If - Emilie Autumn

Here you sit on your high-backed chair
Wonder how the view is from there
I wouldn't know 'cause I like to sit
Upon the floor, yeah upon the floor
If you like we could play a game
Let's pretend that we are the same
But you will have to look much closer
Than you do, closer than you do

And I'm far too tired to stay here anymore
And I don't care what you think anyway
'Cause I think you were wrong about me
Yeah what if you were, what if you were

And what if I'm a snowstorm burning
What if I'm a world unturning
What if I'm an ocean, far too shallow, much too deep
What if I'm the kindest demon
Something you may not believe in
What if I'm a siren singing gentlemen to sleep

I know you've got it figured out
Tell me what I am all about
And I just might learn a thing or two
Hundred about you, maybe about you
I'm the end of your telescope
I don't change just to suit your vision
'Cause I am bound by a fraying rope
Around my hands, tied around my hands

And you close your eyes when I say I'm breaking free
And put your hands over both your ears
Because you cannot stand to believe I'm not
The perfect girl you thought
Well what have I got to lose

And what if I'm a weeping willow
Laughing tears upon my pillow
What if I'm a socialite who wants to be alone
What if I'm a toothless leopard
What if I'm a sheepless shepherd
What if I'm an angel without wings to take me home

You don't know me
Never will, never will
I'm outside your picture frame
And the glass is breaking now
You can't see me
Never will, never will
If you're never gonna see

What if I'm a crowded desert
Too much pain with little pleasure
What if I'm the nicest place you never want to go
What if I don't know who I am
Will that keep us both from trying
To find out and when you have
Be sure to let me know

What if I'm a snowstorm burning
What if I'm a world unturning
What if I'm an ocean, far too shallow, much too deep
What if I'm the kindest demon
Something you may not believe in
What if I'm a siren singing gentlemen to sleep
Sleep...
Sleep...

64.

2008-07-23T23:06:00.003+10:00

Well today was a shit day.
I'm so frustrated with things right now, and maybe its just because I'm an idiot and I worry too much but I don't know. Work just stressed me to shit today, because I really have no idea what I am doing and there doesn't seem to be many people around to kinda help me out. Everytime I ask someone something they seem to act like I'm a bit of a nuisance which sucks. I kinda wish that I could go back to what I was doing before I offered to help out, but I haven't really given this new stuff much of a chance. And then if I ask, they will just think that I'm a quitter and that I can't handle it, which isn't true because I'm not stupid. I just hate having to sit there and feel like an idiot because I have no idea what I'm meant to be doing. I know that you're probably thinking that I'm stupid for whining about having no work to do, and its not that I have NOTHING to do - its just that I kinda need someone to tell me what I have to do cause I haven't settled in yet. Argh. Maybe I just need to be more assertive, but I'm stressy cause its a new section of my work and I don't really know anyone there all to well.

Anyway, I'm just really pissed off and frustrated right now, because of course one day back at work and what did I do? I had a cigarette at lunch time. Grr. I was just so stressed out and feeling like crap that I really felt like I needed to smoke. I didn't buy a packet, I ended up just 'borrowing' one from a girl I work with. And once I had it, i didn't even really smoke much of it.

But grr, I just feel so annoyed. I can't even stick to that - at the first sign of stress I go back to my old ways. I wish that I was a stronger person, I wish that I was a better person.
I give myself such a hard time, but just for once I wish that I could be one of those people that everything just fell into place for - I wish that I could be one of those people who things just worked out for. I'm sick of feeling like I have to fight all the time just to get a small part of what I deserve. For once, I wish that things could just be okay.. just okay is all I ask for.