168.

I've been thinking a lot lately about growing up and moving forward. Naturally thinking about moving forward has made me think about my past and the people in it.

As we go through life, people will inevitably hurt us, and it can be hard to express how we really feel. I decided to write my feelings in a letter. This is a letter to the person that hurt me more than anyone else in my life..

Dear You,

I don't really know how to start this. It's hard to think of all the things that I want to say and how I want to say them without sounding like a crazy, bitter person. 

Despite what anyone may think, I'm not at all bitter.  

Everything that has happened in my life has got me to the point where I stand now. 

But I can't move forward with my life anymore without telling you how I feel. 

I think now, back to the past and everything that happened. 

I tried to blame things on other people, I tried to make others feel like it was their fault.
But now I realise that it was all you. 

At the time I don't think you realised the damage that you were doing to me. 

There were so many times where you made me feel like I wasn't good enough. 

All I remember when I look back is your voice in my ear, in my head. Every step of the way, telling me that I would never measure up. 

I compared myself to other people in those days, and it felt like I would never be worth anyone's time. But that's what you told me, and that's what you made me believe. 

It's difficult to think about all the things that I lost because of you. 

The amazing people that I pushed out of my life, the opportunities that I let pass by, and all of those nights wasted crying in my room because of what you said to me. 

You told me that I was fat, that I was useless, and that nobody would ever love me. 

You told me that I was stupid, and that I'd never make anything of my self.

You told me that it was pointless trying, and so I gave up. 

I don't like to have regrets. But I wish that I had been strong enough to push you away. 

And I wish that I had been brave enough to stand up to you sooner. 

I should have told you that what was happening was wrong.

After all, you are the one that knows me better than anyone else in this entire world. 

You should have loved me, and held me up when I was crashing down. 

You are the one that should have been taking the greatest care of me.

Because, you are me.

It's time to put all of this to rest, and to take a deep breath, smile, and embrace the world. 

Let's do it together. 

You and me and I. 

Yours Sincerely, 

Emma Jane.

167.

Are you okay? 
It's a very simple question, and one that we don't ask enough.
Too often we are so wrapped up in our own lives and our own problems, that we forget to ask the people around us so many tiny little things. 
How was your day?
What has been going on? 
Are you okay?


Sometimes people struggle with things that are bigger than what we can understand. 
And a lot of people do it with a perpetual smile on their face. No fuss, no drama. 
They just get on with life and a lot of the time we just assume that these people are always smiling, so they must have everything in place, they must be okay.
A lot of people keep their small problems to themselves, for any number of different reasons. They just deal with things on their own. For some people it's the only way that they know how to cope.

I don't know if any of you really know how utterly soul destroying it is, to go through life every day without anybody asking you how your day was, or to be spoken over every time that you try to talk, to be ignored or dismissed.
They seem like such small and petty things, but they make a person feel invisible,  they make a person feel isolated, unimportant, and most of all alone. 
It's really hard to go through life feeling like you're second best. 
And that just because you don't scream, throw a tantrum, or make a fuss. 
Nobody notices. 


So many people suffer from depression.
The kind of depression that nobody notices, because people keep it so well hidden. 
That's the kind of depression that is the most dangerous, it's the kind where people don't ask for help. Because, who would care? If someone can't even take the time to hear about how your day was, then why would they want to listen to you talk about how you feel? 
It's much easier to keep it locked away inside, put on a brave face, and face the world. 


After awhile, those small problems that you've kept to yourself seem to turn into huge problems, that seem to suffocate you. It seems impossible to cope, impossible to deal with. A lot of people turn to alternative ways to try and cope with the pain that they feel. 
They harm themselves, they numb the pain, or at worst, they choose to commit suicide. 
And the scariest part is that, they won't cause a scene, they won't draw attention to the fact that they want to die. 
They will just do it. Quietly. Without a fuss. 
Much like how their life was lived. 


Some people manage to get through it. They find an inner strength, they find a way to go on despite the fact that they don't feel supported in areas of their life. 
All that it takes is for somebody, one person to notice their pain, for one person to ask them if they are okay. Sometimes that's just enough. 

Thursday, September 15th is 'R U OK day?' 
This is a day for action, aimed at preventing suicide and encouraging Australians to connect with someone that they care about, to start a conversation. R U OK?
Feeling lonely, isolated or hopeless can contribute to depression, and ultimately to suicide. 
It only takes one minute, to reach out to someone. 
To ask 'Are you okay?' 


I really urge everyone to participate in this day, to really try and connect with someone whether it is someone that you love, someone that you work with, or someone that you might just say hello to in passing. 
Just by asking that single question. 
You could be changing someone's life. 

Are you okay?

www.ruokayday.com.au

165.

When I really think about it, I can understand why jealousy is often known as the 'green-eyed monster'.
Some people seem to let themselves be totally and utterly consumed by jealousy, it steals their soul, and turns them into a person that they would never otherwise be.


One of the most frustrating situations to be in, is that of spending time with a jealous couple.
Hands down the most maddening thing ever.
I personally don't really understand jealousy in relationships. Maybe I've just been lucky that my relationship is amazing, and I've never really felt that jealous feeling.
I don't understand how people can be together, and then fight because their partner has spoken to someone else, or gets hit on by someone or any of those things.
The other thing I can't really understand is when people get cranky or jealous over an ex of their current partner.

If you're really in a stable and committed relationship, honestly jealousy shouldn't even come into it.
If both people in the relationship are giving everything to the relationship, then the other person shouldn't ever feel insecure or worried about their partner straying.
Isn't the point of being with someone that you trust them completely? Why would you be with them otherwise?
I don't buy this bullshit of - 'Oh I love him/her but I just don't totally trust them'
Wrong.
Because - how can you love without trust?

To me love is not a fleeting feeling. It is something that builds up over time, it needs to grow.
It's like a flower.
You have to plant the seed first. But a seed can't grow without time and care.
You have to nurture it, and give it attention, and care for it, so that eventually it will grow into something beautiful and amazing.

The other part that I seem to notice with relationship jealousy, is this constant worry about people's ex-boyfriends or girlfriends or even just ex-hookups or ex-whatevers.

Again to me, I don't really understand this concept.
I mean, just the term ex. Think about it. An ex is a FORMER lover/partner/girlfriend/boyfriend.
Former - as in, no longer.
They are no longer in the picture, so why would you worry about it?
Most break-ups happen for a reason. Most of the time there is a reason why that person is no longer in your partner's life.

At a certain stage in life, it's very likely that most people you meet will have an 'ex' something.
Everybody has a past. You can't change that.
So why would you let someone's past, fuck with your future?

The other kind of jealousy that I seem to notice a lot in my life, is the kind of jealousy that comes with wanting what somebody else has.
I call it the 'I wish' syndrome.
I wish I had her legs, I wish I had that car, I wish I was thinner, I wish I could sing like that.
You could really wish your life away thinking this way.
Why is it that we can't ever seem to be happy with what we have? I'm all for having goals and aiming high but there's a big difference between striving for something that you really want, and just sitting there expecting it to come to you, and hating the world when it doesn't.
If you want those legs, if you want that car. WORK for it.
You can't sit back and hate on everyone for the rest of your life because they have something you don't.

I'm not saying that I've never felt jealous. Of course I have. It's a natural human emotion.
I guess the real point I'm trying to make is that jealousy is something you need to keep tabs on. 
Just like any 'monster' - you need to tame the wild beast to get it under control.

Don't let irrational thoughts or fears dictate your life.
Don't let it ruin your relationships.

Tame the green-eyed monster for good!

164.

Sometimes it's really hard to be the one who is always nice.

To be the girl that doesn't really speak up, and just seemingly takes everything in her stride.

I don't like the fact that a lot of people treat me like I'm a child, and like I don't have any idea about the world, or about life because of who I am.

Sometimes it seems like everyone elses dramas are more important than mine, and if I try to talk about what's important to me, well it's never as important as somebody elses stuff.

Sometimes in this world, I just feel so small.

I hurt just as much as you hurt, I may not yell and scream about it, but I still feel.

Please don't talk down to me, because at the end of the day you're no better than I am.

Sometimes all a person needs is for somebody to listen.

163.

Sometimes when you have all but given up hope, someone comes along and makes your life better, simply by being in it.

To smile, and to just be.
Every single day.

It's the tiny things, that mean everything.
And you're worth diamonds to me. :)

162.

I'm always amazed by the attitudes of other people. Especially when they differ to my own attitude. Now I'm not saying that everyone should think the same way, because that would be boring. But sometimes, I look at the attitudes of others and it makes me a little bit sad.

In recent times, Queensland and Victoria have been crippled with flooding, and a lot of people have lost absolutely everything. It was one of the worst natural disasters that Australia has ever seen.
I think that different people deal with a crisis situation in different ways. One thing that never ceases to amaze me is that people can have the attitude of wanting to pretend that bad things never happen, or won't happen, or aren't going on.
I think that it's so easy for us to switch off to things like that, when they don't affect us. It's so easy to think, oh it's not happening to me so why should I bother?
We slip into an attitude of being 'sick' of hearing about it, or wanting to ignore it.
It really makes me sad.

The government announced today that they are planning to introduce a one-off levy to annual income to help fund flood recovery in both Queensland and Victoria.
I was reading about this on one of the news websites, and some of the people's comments on the article were just absolutely appaling.

To start with, people who earn less than $50,000 a year won't even pay any levy.
For someone around my level of income it's only going to be between 96 cents - $1.92 that they would pay per week.
That's less than my daily coffee costs, it's $50 a year.. which is less than what I would spend on a typical big night out.
I don't understand how people can whinge about it.

All of this stuff has really made me think. And I really think that at times I've been selfish in my life. Not selfish in a way that you need to be to get through life, but somewhat ignorant to the struggles that some other people might face.
I don't want to be that kind of person. I know that I can't save the world on my own.
But I can be more aware of other people. I can try harder to not be one of those people who just wants to switch off.

I want to be better.

161.

It's pretty crazy how quickly the end of last year passed, and to think that it's already into the second week of the new year.
It's hard in a way to look back on 2010.
It was a year that was harder than most, though to a lot of people in my life - it might not have seemed that way.
Sometimes things happen, things that are deeply personal and while I always try to be as honest and open as possible in this blog, sometimes things are really too close to my heart for me to share here.
Last year changed me. Forever.
It made me step back and really take a look at how I was living my life, and the things that I was doing. It made me reassess my goals and question everything that I believed in.
I have learnt how to be stronger, because I had no other choice.
I have learnt who I can and cannot trust, and I learnt that lesson the hard way, believe me.
I made mistakes last year, quite a lot. And I had my heart broken, a few times.
But, last year - I learned what it was like to feel as if I could fall in love again, and that's something that is extremely precious to me.

I don't know what I would have done without my amazing friends, as always. My true friends are like precious gems, and I would not give them up for anything in the world.

Peter: We always talk about how crazy it is that we have only known each other for less than a year - yet we had this instant, strong connection. You are my bff. And us much as I give you shit, and pay out on you, you know that I wouldn't have been able to get through last year without you. You're an amazing person, and if people can't see that then they are stupid. :) Thanks for kicking my arse when I was in 'poor me' mode, and the many drunken train rides home together. Mostly thanks for always being there when I needed someone to talk to, and for always listening and giving me an honest opinion even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear sometimes.

Maya: I have really loved the fact that we've gotten to be closer friends the last year. And I've enjoyed getting to know you more, and seeing you more often.You're great to have a girly chat with you, and I love that we can relate to each other on a lot of things. Your own personal journey last year has been inspiring to watch, and I'm really proud of you and mostly glad you're happy. Seeing you set goals and them slam them has motivated me to set goals for myself. You're an awesome girl. #ivegotgoals

Jarrod: Ah, my favourite gig buddy! It was so awesome getting to see many great bands with you last year, and having some epic crunk times too. You're always one of my most favourite people to hang out with. I love your attitude to life, and the fact that you are always straight up with me. I'm so glad that you have opened up and fallen in love again, so so happy for you. You really are someone who deserves true happiness and I hope that you find it. Just promise me that if you move to America that you'll come back and visit from time to time! :P

Alex: What can I say? You're one of those rare people who I know would never judge me no matter how stupid I act, or no matter what I do. You're the kind of friend who is a friend for life. I love that about you. I feel like you're one person that I can trust with my everything. I know the last year was hard for you, and I admire how strong you are. And the fact that even when things are tough you never let it change your outlook on life. I'm so lucky to have you as a friend :)

Johnny: I like to think of you as my partner in crime. Instead of acting disapproving when I want to muck up, you freely encourage it and come along for the ride! Sometimes I think you might feel as though certain people don't take you seriously and see you as just this party guy, but I know there is so much more to you than that. You're a wise guy, and a true friend. Who else would be willing to sacrifice themselves in order to be my 'wingman' :P

Anita: I feel like we've become better friends in the second part of last year. I love your brutal honesty, and the fact that I can bitch about stuff to you and most of the time we have exactly the same opinion on things. You're one of the coolest girls I know, because you're not a drama queen, and you don't take shit from anyone. I don't know how I'd get through some work day without our little IM chats.

So many other people have really had impacts on my life in the last year, but I would be here forever trying to mention you all.
Some of you taught me about friendship, real friendship.
And some of you taught me what a friendship should not be like.
It's sad to lose a friend simply for the fact that they seem to value their relationship more than a friendship. But. That's life.

I'm not sure what 2011 will hold for me. But I know that I want to be better.
I have started doing Project 365. I'm going to take a photo for every single day of 2011.
I'm going to try and push myself to do things that I've been too scared to do.
I am going to try and be more sensible with my money and to really save.
I want to get fit, and continue my goals for self-improvement.
It would be nice to have a year that is a little less complicated than the last.
But whatever life decides to throw at me this year, bring it on!