92.

i can't ever turn this brain of mine off.
this weekend has just been so fucked up and weird and shit.
i don't really know what to say. people have been going mental over me being single now. it's amazing how much chaos changing a relationship status on facebook can cause.
non stop texts and phone calls. asking me what happened.
because i don't really think anyone saw it coming.
i'm pretty wary about writing shit on here about these kinds of things because i know that a lot of people read this blog and it's caused drama in the past with me being honest about feelings.
at times it's made me wonder if i'm too honest on here.
it just wasn't working for me. i can't explain it. things were kinda shit the last few weeks and i know maybe i was to blame for some of it. but i just stopped feeling that excited feeling about things. and something just clicked in me. and i knew it wasn't right. i knew i had to do something about it. i'm not saying that it was easy. but i have done it too many times before. and i don't want to go back there and stay in a relationship that isn't the best it can be.
that's all i guess.
maybe i do have a 'cookie cutter' idea of what a relationship should be like.
but what's wrong with that? why should i settle for something that isn't everything i want it to be? nobody should do that. and if a relationship isn't fitting into your idea of what a good relationship is.. then surely that means something?
i really don't think i'm an overly demanding person. in fact, i know i'm not.
so why should i deny myself of the chance of having the 'perfect' relationship. and i know not everything is perfect.. but i'm talking about that kind of imperfect perfection.

last night really scared me. i had a friend of mine, really upset and was talking about how they wanted to die. it was really not good. i stayed up so late, until the early hours of this morning just trying to talk to them and make them realise it wasn't a good option.
then they fell asleep, only i didn't know they'd fallen asleep. and it scared the fuck out of me.
everything is alright now, but it was horrible.
i wish that you could make someone see how amazing they are when they don't realise it. and i wish that you could make them see that they're just everything. and that other people are just idiots if they can't see that.
i wish that life wasn't so cruel sometimes, and that good people didn't hurt so much.
while shitty people get everything handed to them.

despite all of this. i will be okay.
it's just been a really bad and shitty and emotional weekend for me.
but don't worry about me.
i'm emma jane.
i will bounce back, and everything will be just fine.