121.

i loved you.
and i should have said it.
but tell me, just what has it ever meant?

-jimmy eat world.

120.

I have been thinking about something that I mentioned in a previous entry, about doing things for myself vs. worrying about this might affect someone else.
And I think that I've decided, the best thing to do is just go for what I want.
I can't keep holding myself back for the benefit of other people, and if that's what they want me to do then it just proves that they are more selfish than I am, for wanting to do this for myself.
I just can't keep living for other people, I need to be able to do things for myself, and I need to be in an environment where i'm not worrying all the time, or feeling uneasy, or not able to relax.
Nothing is set in stone yet, but. I'm just going to start thinking.

In other news.. YOU make me so happy.
And yes you know who you are. :]

119.

I think that I feel a lot more at ease tonight.
Yet at the same time.. so not at ease.
It comes with the territory I suppose.. But I'm glad that we talked.
The unknown is a scary, scary thing. But I guess at the same time it's kinda beautiful.
All I know is that I have missed it all so much, and I know that it's one of the most ridiculous, confusing things ever. But.. since when has life been simple?
I'm happy at the moment. That's all that I really care about.

I miss the lips that made me fly.. -mayday parade

118.

What would you do, if there was something that would make you a whole lot happier with your life.. but in doing that one thing, you could make things difficult for someone that you care about a lot.
Where do you draw the line, between caring about other people's happiness more than your own?
And is it completely selfish if you just disregard the feelings of that other person, to go for what you want?

117.

Am I the only person left in the world who thinks that if you say you're going to be somewhere, and you end up not being able to make it, that you should at least have the courtesy to let the person know that you're not coming?

116.

small cryptic entry.

just..
fuck.. i miss it, probably more than you know.

115.

It's been a strange half a week this week. To start with.. today is my 24th birthday. Happy birthday to me!
This week, I kind of made a resolution to have a drama free week.. so far so good. It's been a little bit strange, because quite a few of my work friends finished up last friday. And to be honest.. I miss my little 'crew' .. it's going to be totally strange without the daily conversations on office messenger, and seeing them every day. Although they do say a change is as good as a holiday.. (i need a holiday).

Last week, was.. just .. I don't even know where to begin to explain it.
Except that.. when I make a mess of things - I certainly don't do it halfheartedly. Well it turns out that I didn't really make a mess of things.
Confusing much..
I can only think of how to explain it in a really cryptic way...
I pretty much just freaked out hardcore on someone.. in my usual insecure way. And I almost just gave up on them. I don't even know why. I just know that sometimes I get scared if everything isn't clear cut. The unknown can be really daunting for me, I guess just because it hasn't really ever worked in my favour.
I can be really quite silly at times..
I am just glad that I didn't totally fuck up. And I'm learning that the unknown isn't such a bad thing, as long as I just remember to relax and stop being a moron.

I'm really looking forward to Friday, catching up with some people I haven't seen for awhile, and just having all the people I adore together is going to be amazing, and just what I need.