44.

Ah yeah, so this entry is possibly going to cause drama or whatever but I don't care.
As I have said many a time before in this blog, I refuse to censor it.

I don't shame people out by name or anything like that, but I refuse to LIE about how I feel about certain situations for the purposes of preserving people's pride etc.
Simply put - if you don't want to be upset by what I put in my blog then its quite easy to just not read it.

Anyhoo. After my entry yesterday.. I guess its possible that some of you who have been keeping up with the events of my life lately have a pretty fair idea of what it is about.
The phone call this morning really, really sucked.
I hate feeling like I have upset people by my actions, but I think that sometimes I need to try not to think of that because too many times in the past I have put other peoples feelings ahead of mine and ended up feeling like crap.

I just can't do it. I tried to forget about what he said, and pretend that I was fine and tried to accept that maybe it was just a mistake. But I couldn't get the thought out of my head of .. how someone can say that and not mean it?
I don't know.. you can't change what you think. you can pretend not to think it, but as I've learnt it is still always there.

I refuse to be in a relationship where I feel insecure all the time, I am insecure enough as it is without the added pressures of feeling like I need to look a certain way for this person to truly accept me for who I am. And I'm NOT saying thats what was said to me after the initial comment. I'm saying that is how I feel.

Anyways. Blah. Life's a bitch.
I give up on ever finding someone who lives up to the expectations I have.
Which to be honest I don't think are impossibly high. Yet people continue to disappoint me.
Oh well.

The whole point of the thing is that, I know that maybe it was wrong to give him the impression that everything was all okay over the weekend when really it wasn't all okay with me. But I dunno, I'm only trying to do what is right for me. I tried to get over it, I really tried. But I guess that some things are just too hard to forgive and forget - maybe I'm too tough. But I promised myself that I would not not just 'settle' anymore.. because I have done it too many times in the past. I need to be selfish. Maybe this makes me messed up. But thats me..