Well today was a shit day.
I'm so frustrated with things right now, and maybe its just because I'm an idiot and I worry too much but I don't know. Work just stressed me to shit today, because I really have no idea what I am doing and there doesn't seem to be many people around to kinda help me out. Everytime I ask someone something they seem to act like I'm a bit of a nuisance which sucks. I kinda wish that I could go back to what I was doing before I offered to help out, but I haven't really given this new stuff much of a chance. And then if I ask, they will just think that I'm a quitter and that I can't handle it, which isn't true because I'm not stupid. I just hate having to sit there and feel like an idiot because I have no idea what I'm meant to be doing. I know that you're probably thinking that I'm stupid for whining about having no work to do, and its not that I have NOTHING to do - its just that I kinda need someone to tell me what I have to do cause I haven't settled in yet. Argh. Maybe I just need to be more assertive, but I'm stressy cause its a new section of my work and I don't really know anyone there all to well.
Anyway, I'm just really pissed off and frustrated right now, because of course one day back at work and what did I do? I had a cigarette at lunch time. Grr. I was just so stressed out and feeling like crap that I really felt like I needed to smoke. I didn't buy a packet, I ended up just 'borrowing' one from a girl I work with. And once I had it, i didn't even really smoke much of it.
But grr, I just feel so annoyed. I can't even stick to that - at the first sign of stress I go back to my old ways. I wish that I was a stronger person, I wish that I was a better person.
I give myself such a hard time, but just for once I wish that I could be one of those people that everything just fell into place for - I wish that I could be one of those people who things just worked out for. I'm sick of feeling like I have to fight all the time just to get a small part of what I deserve. For once, I wish that things could just be okay.. just okay is all I ask for.