Well. I can't believe that I've actually written 100 posts in this little blog of mine. And I apologise for leaving it so long between entries. The last month or so has been quite challenging for me. I guess I had what you can call a bit of a 'Britney' moment - minus the head shaving and umbrella attacking.
I think it was a long time coming, something really had to give.
I finally realised that something had to change instead of just talking about changing. I want to be the person I used to be. Without all this doubt, and unhappiness. I've started seeing someone to talk all my stuff out, which is really helping me so far, and I'm not ashamed of it.
I'm coming leaps and bounds in the month I've been seeing her, and things can only get better.
I've decided to stop letting what other people think of me rule my life, I've been doing it for way too long. And it has held me back from a lot of things, and experiences. I've decided to stop pushing people away, because it's cost me too many friendships. And I've decided to stop the fear of not being good enough preventing me from doing things that I want to do.
I have been thinking a lot about what I wrote in my last entry, the 6 billion people thing. And gosh it's so true.
I can't keep making excuses, and then complain that things are shitty.
I can't keep depending on someone else to fix me. I need to take responsibility and grow up. And I will.
Tilly told me that I should make a list of things that I want to do, and work on ticking them off one by one. So I figured I would make the list in my blog so that I always have a copy to look at and remind me.
So here is my list:
♥ take japanese classes.
♥ move out of home.
♥ get my license.
♥ keep being motivated to work out, and lose weight.
♥ try to reconnect with people and friendships that have lapsed.
♥ take up photography again.
♥ realise that its okay to fuck up.
♥ stop being so critical of myself.
♥ start writing, apart from my blog.
♥ push myself out of my comfort zone.
♥ make time for me, to do whatever i want.
♥ realise that i can't fix everyone's problems for them, and I shouldn't have to.
♥ see more of dad.
♥ tell people how i feel.
♥ stop letting fear own me, and live my life.
♥ go to japan.
That's just a start, and I know that not all of them are things that I can do right away, but it helps to write them down.
I feel at the moment, like a little caterpillar who has been wrapped in a safe cocoon for such a long time. And I'm finally ready to break free and become a butterfly. It's scary, but it feels good.