142.

2009.

What a year.

This year has been a year that has changed me in so many ways that I'm not sure if I know where to begin explaining. I think that I have finally started to become the person that I know I am deep down, or more so just showing people the person that I am deep down.
Sometimes it still even shocks me how much I have come out of my shell this year, and for the people who know me well, and have known me for a while - I'm sure that they can see it.
So where do I even start?

This year, I got my heart broken about a million times. I learnt a lot of lessons the hard way. I learnt that people should earn your trust a lot of the time instead of automatically receiving it.

To the people who said some really shitty things to me. I could be bitter, or hate you. But instead I want to thank you. Dealing with arseholes like you made a million times stronger and taught me that I shouldn't care what people think of me. Because people who judge me on what I look like and not who I am, aren't worth my time.

To a certain boy, who decided the best way to end things with me was by cutting off all contact and never speaking to me again. You proved to me that if my friends tell me someone is an arsehole, or that it's a bad idea. Then they are almost always right.

To my amazing friends. I would not have gotten through this year without you. I am so lucky to have a bunch of people like you in my life. I know I'm not the easiest person to deal with at times but you have stuck by me, and been so supportive. And most of all showed me that it's okay to be me. I know I can't mention everyone in this entry, but I do want to make a special mention of a few people.

Kurt: you have taught me a lot, just by talking to you. And you have always been there when I needed someone to talk to. I feel like you have helped me a lot this year when I've been down, or doubting of myself. And I'm so lucky to have met you. Don't ever change :)

Nikki and the girls: I am soo glad that I got to see more of you this year. I love spending time with you, whether it's going out and getting drunk and dancing. Or just hanging out at your house. I've never met a bunch of people who are just so accepting, and who make me feel totally welcome whatever happens. I love all of you SO much!

Dean: What can I say? I love having you as a friend. Your dry wit, never ceases to crack me up. And I love our banter. I almost feel like you're my long lost big brother sometimes haha. You're not afraid to tell me how it is, and having someone like that around is awesome. You're an awesome actor too and I really enjoyed coming to your shows and seeing a different side of you.
I miss our awesome and somewhat crude messenger conversations at work. It hasn't been the same since you left!

Alex: So many things I can say about you mister. I have loved getting to know you a lot better this year and hanging out outside of work. I love our little shopping trips, and our gossip sessions. I don't know what I would have done without your 'love' advice this year. hehe. You have been there unconditionally for me and always, always made time to listen to me if I needed you. You're a great friend Alex and I love you to bits!

Brett: Even though sometimes we are sporadic with our talkingness. And we've had our moments, I still always really enjoy talking to you. I think that we think the same way about a lot of things and it's nice to have that. Unwritten Law - even though it wasn't this year.. was a night that I won't ever forget. You give yourself such a hard time sometimes. But you're great.

Jarrod: We didn't really talk that much until the later half of this year. But I'm so glad that we started. I feel like we have this sorta unspoken bond. I just love spending time with you cause it's so easy and we can just talk about anything. We're totally on the same music wavelength and it's so much fun having our long music conversation and song sharings. You are one amazing young man. :)

Another huge change for me this year was losing weight. I have gone for a very long time being overweight and hating myself because of it. I think that it contributed a lot to my low self esteem and being quite in my shell. At the end of 2009, I've now lost 37 kilos. Which is really just amazing for me. I went for so long feeling shitty about the way that I looked, and paranoid that people looked down on me because of it.
Sometimes I think that I come across as being a bit vain these days, but I suppose unless you have been through it, the amazing feeling of looking so different, being noticed, having people compliment you after so long is hard to understand. I'm going to be brave and post a picture.. to show you all how much of a difference this has made..




Even just looking at the pictures myself spins me out!

This year has also been a year of expanding and achieving things that I never thought I would work wise. The later part of this year I got a higher position at work, and going through that process at times I really did doubt myself, I think I'm harder on myself than most people are on me. And I've struggled with that and let it hold me back, but I think I am taking steps in the right direction to overcome that.

I had a lot of challenges with family issues too. This year was hard for all of us here at home. But I am very lucky to have a family that supports me, and a family in which we can all talk or yell our issues out. I think that we have absolutely grown together and that we are all a lot closer for it.

Kristy: I know this year was really, really hard for you. But in the last few months I have seen you making positive changes, and even though at times you still might go astray - you're a totally different person to the start of the year. And I'm seeing you blossom. I'm so proud of you and I love you.

Mum: You're probably one of the strongest people I know. No matter what shit has happened, and how hard things got you haven't given up on us. You have been nothing but supportive of me this year and I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me. I've seen you struggle a lot, and I'm sorry if I haven't always been there enough for you like you are with me. But I'm trying.
I'm so glad that you have met someone that makes you happy, because you deserve nothing less.

This year has been tough. And I think that without a combination of persistence, optimism, amazing people around me, and sheer determination, that I would have given up.
But I'm so glad that I didn't. I know that things in my life still aren't perfect, but I'm absolutely on the road to being where I want to be. It might sound like I'm being full of myself, but I don't care... I am completely proud of myself.
I don't think I can remember a time when I have been so content. I love where things are leading for me. And I can't wait to start 2010, because I have a feeling that it's going to be my year.